All Under One Roof

I'm really really trying to manage my life and everything it throws at me. New Years resolutions for 2008 were

• Find nice man
• Lose weight
• Drink Less
• Get off the drugs
• Find decent job

Isn't it ironic that I lost weight through drinking and the stresses of relationships and life in general. Hit the drugs on the head cos they were "bad" or "wrong" but to be bloody honest I'd rather feel that tingling sensation on the back of my throat as i snort that white powder than the shit I'm feeling now. I'm finding it harder and harder to talk about my "feelings" and the ONE person I could talk to isn't here for me anymore......... I really don't know what to do :'(

I'm paranoid, self conscious, angry and confused.

Although I've been in relationships I have to admit that they weren't "bad" ones. I never got jealous. Always let them do their own thing and it's never bothered me until now. I don't know why but i just don't trust anyone. I mean apart from being shit on from a great height most of the time, I'm at the end of my tether. I'm sick of being the nice girl. The soft one, who people walk all over. My vice... MEN!

So the story goes.... Single for what feels like forever. Dated some idiots (as you do) Stop looking then BAM, meet really nice guy. Still cautious for a while and try to hide my feelings thinking that no-ones this perfect right?? Right!! Because harsh reality is, NO-ONE is perfect so maybe I shouldn't put people on a pedestal. My own fault I guess. I do that whole girly thing. You know, "meet my boyfriend" Although everyone should already know because it says so on every god damn social networking site on the planet. I just feel like someones dirty little secret. Am I that repulsive that you're actually ashamed of me? What the hell am I to you? How do you see me? And more to the point, what the fcuk have I done to deserve being treated in this manner. I'm no angel I know that but I sure as hell ain't no bloody evil bitch.

This has tested my patients to the point where I think I'm ready to throw in the towel through fear of getting even more hurt. I should be so so happy in these early stages of dating. Instead I feel angry, hurt, resentment, confused and IN LOVE. This is what's getting to me. The fact that I love someone who I believe doesn't love me back. Before I got with said person, I was getting to know this really sweet guy but because I didn't know how he felt about me (because he never told me) I just put it down to flirting. I now realise how much he liked me and feel as though I may of made a mistake. It's too late to turn back time 'cos A. I love someone else & B. He's moved on and doesn't even want to speak to me. But it's the little things like that when I sit and think have I made the right choice?

I do have a theory as to why I find it hard to talk about what's wrong. Rejection. I think I'm so scared of confronting him and saying "look, this relationship is crap and I'm not happy because I don't think you love me and to be perfectly honest I think you're waiting for someone better to come along" that i just keep quiet and hope that things will work out. I mean don't get me wrong, things aren't all doom and gloom. When we're together, it feels like heaven and I forget all the problems but then I'll read something that perhaps I've taken the wrong way and it's back to square one. Roll on the insecurities!

You tell me you don't know what more you can do or say to prove your feelings for me but I don't know what exactly you have done in the first place to prove those feelings? Just because you tell someone you love them doesn't mean they'll take your word as gospel and fall at your feet!! I don't have a history of men cheating on me or making me feel insecure but this time round I just can't seem to fully trust him. Maybe because of the things I've read. I mean who meets up with a girl off the Internet (who is gorgeous by the way) to "watch DVDs" Errm should I be more understanding? To this day he hasn't mentioned it and the only reason I know this is because I came across his blog (yes I see the irony). There's also no mention of me or the fact that it was me who brought him his beloved Juno soundtrack. Oh but there is kudos to someone else... someone he considers to be the most caring, sweetest blah blah blah he's ever had the pleasure of knowing.... of something to that effect.

As you can probably tell I've gone from feeling quite sorry for myself to god damn irate because I'm sick of it all.

Aaaaaaaaaargh I'm through crying. I need a solution



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