All Under One Roof

Well I've just spent 24 hours nearly, locked away form the outside world. Only leaving my bedroom for the occasional snack that leaves a sickly feeling in my stomach. The tears have been flowing (yet again) and my emotions have been playing havoc through every inch of me. Not interested in seeing anyone, can't be bothered to paint on my "happy face" This is something all to familiar and i don't know if i purposely make myself feel like this or if it's just something that happens naturally... no-one would choose to make them selves feel like this, right?
Not long finished reading a book that's jogged some childhood memories that I've spent years suppressing and for good reasons too! So if i thought i was feeling bad before, i feel even worse now. Although by writing I'm able to release my frustrations a little.
I've decided not to name the title of the book as to not encourage any questions that I'm not yet prepared to answer. So apart from reading and eating, I've done absolutely nothing other than lie in bed with my thoughts.

Last year i started a course of counselling. 1 hour per week, not alot really and although it was several weeks before i was coaxed into opening up, i feel it was really helping. Then after a few months, my councilor tells me she's being admitted into hospital and won't be available for at least 2 months. 2 MONTHS!! It was bad enough trying to make it through the 6 days in between appointments. She then advises me that a another councilor has been brought in as a stand in and i was more than welcome to contact him with regards to my ongoing counselling. I thought 'you're joking right' It was weeks before i let her in, even a little bit and now you want me to do it all over again with someone else? I guess that's kinda where the buck stops. I felt let down yet again by someone i trusted enough to tell some real intimate details to and they failed me but that really wasn't something new. To trust someone you have to open up to the possibilities that there maybe another way out, another way of thinking or doing things. The possibility that the world as you've come to know it isn't all doom and gloom and there's someone out there prepared to listen to the words that are coming out of your mouth without them thinking it's a fabricated story told by one very mixed up individual. I've only ever once gone into detail about who i am and why i do the things i do and I'll never forget that look of total heartache and shock. Knowing that the person who loves you more than anything in world will also have to take on board my memories. But one thing was clear and it sounds almost selfish but i felt like a weight had been lifted! All these dreaded memories dragged out by hours of thinking and that damn book.

I don't know how much detail i should go into on such a public site but this is also like having a weight being lifted. With know one around me who i trust enough to talk to about how I'm feeling, i guess this is the only way and the only reason I've dragged my butt out of bed. Knowing that i don't have to look at the almost blank expressions on my friends faces as they struggle to find words of comfort is in itself reassuring to me. I won't even tell my own mother how I'm feeling anymore, mainly because she's made it blatantly obvious that she really does care. Different friends know different sections of my life. I let them know as much or as little as i choose but none of them know the real me. Most see this slightly scatty, mixed up yet fun lovin' gal that's always up for a laugh. Now I'm not suggesting that isn't the real me, it's just all of the REAL me.
I also feel comforted in writing this. I'm able to look back and analyze what really sets off these bouts of depression/manic behaviour.

This year seems to be by far the worst for regularity of these darker times. I don't even know why either. Nothing real traumatic has happened. I think it's just a series of events that's brought it home all to often this year. I'm not going to point the finger or place blame on anyone or any one thing but it certainly hasn't been easy. I feel i should really concentrate on one aspect of my my life whilst writing this but since my head is all over the place, i can't.

I've noticed how much easier it is for me to say how I'm feeling through expressing myself like this as usually i can't think about how to word things appropriately. This is why I'm terrible at arguing because the words don't come out right and i end up getting frustrated 'cos I'm not making sense and in turn frustrating the other person which then leads to me saying something I'll later regret because I've been pushed into a corner. I don't think it's the talking i have troubles with, it's the way i go about it, wording it.

I'm so guarded that i make jokes about the bad things in my life. It just comes naturally. I can't help it. As soon as i see that look, the one that screams 'oh you poor thing' then BANG - in with a joke. I just can't seem to trust anyone anymore. Well not enough to let them in completely. I let someone in once before, almost completely with promises they'd always be here for me but it wasn't to be. It's not because i haven't wanted to tell anyone, it's just because i haven't found anyone i can trust. Trust not to judge me, trust enough to try and really understand why i am who i am.................

Even though I'm sat at my dads i kinda feel outta my comfort zone. I want to speak out. I want to go and visit friends but right now all i can really do is go back home to my nice safe bedroom and think some more until i wake and hopefully things will look brighter in the morning.

My main feeling - Loneliness


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