All Under One Roof

Today I received a fantastic email from someone who doesn't really know me at all but boy did it cheer me. She made me realise that I'm not the only person to have fallen for those charms and beyond the charm is, well.... nothing. Nothing except hurt and pain and a general living nightmare.
Harsh? I don't think so. Truth, yes!

This I hope will be the very last mention of that person who messed with my head a little. I'm alot stronger than I thought and I can deal with things alot easier than before. Course, it could have something to do with the meds lmao

I shall be venturing into Norwich tonight to spend the evening with what I hope will be some fantastic company and enjoying some good grub, woop woop!!

To believe anything that comes from a mans mouth tbh

I feel OK. Not depressed yet not happy but definitely OK. And do you know what? That's a good thing because that means I'm getting better. It'll take a few weeks for my meds to fully kick in but I know it's for the best regardless of what anyone says. I just want to get my life back on track. I'm looking for a new job, out the area. Looking to move out aswell. I shall once again attempt to make things better with a more positive attitude. I don't need a man when I've got some of the greatest friends. And I don't need to dwell too much on the past when I've got a future... yes a future. Can't wait for my counselling to start either.


Things are............... OK!

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. Get a grip Selena and stop sulking. It's over, so what? You'll move on a find someone better and you know it's true so get up, get dressed and start living your life a little. After all, we only get one chance. So that's it. No more sulky, depressing posts about men. Love will find you when you least expect it and it's even more likely if you don't go looking for it.

Why am I having all these really mixed emotions and thoughts? I mean why do I have these strong feelings for someone who's done nothing but bring me heartache? Who openly admits that he can never make me happy and although I actually know this deep deep deep down inside, I still really want him!

You know what's weird though? I didn't even know how I felt till after we split. That's why I was originally fine but then reality kicked in and sent my mind into overdrive. I can honestly say I've never had that happen before as I've always known how I've felt at time about that person in my life.

So, this makes me wonder; Was I so determined to keep him at arms length that I actually succeeded in kidding myself that I didn't have strong feelings for him whilst we were together? If this is the case then I'm slightly worried that further more heartache will eventually lead to me shutting out everyone who tries to get close.

I've never been emotionally retarded in that sense. If anything, I've always been the opposite. Very open, very trusting, very affectionate and very loving but I worry that I'll let the actions of other people determine who I become. I don't want to change in that kinda way. I don't see anything wrong in trusting people enough to be open and affectionate with them.






Just looking back on relationships and thinking about it, up until after my ex fiance I never had issues with trust or similar. I've realised that pretty much every person I've dated or other has hurt me quite bad since my ex fiance. So why is this happening? Is this to make up for the lack of hurt previous... no that's silly! So maybe it's payback? Karma coming to kick me in the proverbial butt. I'm starting to believe more and more that because I was to blame for previous relationship break downs, that it's now my turn to feel some of the hurt that I had caused to others.

So where do I go from here? I don't want to continue becoming less trusting and more guarded or detached... think I need to re-evaluate the situation!

I really should of done this a long time ago but I need time out to find myself. I don't know who or what I am. All I know is that there is someone out there who'll do me right and look after me but I hope to god that it's not too late by the time he finds me.

Covered in sand, a sore head, make up everywhere, puffy eyes and bruised knuckles. I guess it's just another normal night out for Selena.

Why the fuck do I feel this bad? We were only together a short time yet I haven't been this bad since my ex fiance and we were together 3yrs! I don't know how to make the pain stop. My heart is so so broken. And he was so fucking horrible to me last night so why would I want someone like that? Someone who obviously doesn't care.

It's started again. The tears. I don't know how to stop them either? I feel so on edge I don't even know what I'm breathing for.......

Not feeling to grand today. Still waiting for an appoinment to see the counsellor. Picked my meds up though so that's a plus. Valentines Day tomorrow is just gonna be tedious.... hmmm
Work is gonna be long and very boring with too much time to think. I try to avoid thinking at all costs! Gonna scream.

God I look sexy......! :P



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Now playing: Peter Bjorn And John - Roll The Credits
via FoxyTunes

A few days can make.

• Fri= Miserable and pretty low
  
• Mon= Happier and content

So yes I've met someone and we're going steady (american term for dating)
He's RAAAAAH.

I always worry that whenever a relationship ends I'll never find anyone else (because I thought they were happy with me) and I'll be lonely forever but let's face it, that's total horse shite lol
The fact is that I get plenty of attention although not all of it wanted attention hehe Ya pervs!!!!
But it's all good. Covered some basic ground like finding out what we both wanted long term and turns out we want the same things so BONUS!
I still have feelings for my ex and would be naive of me to think they'll just disappear so soon but sod it, we're not getting back together so I'm moving on.


Note to self: Always be VERY clear when explaining what you want outta life, get's you further than you think :) Must learn to not look back too much either...

Oooh I got new hair too, whoop whoop


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Now playing: Fall Out Boy - She's My Winona
via FoxyTunes

Went to book an appointment at the doctors to see a counsellor. Bit shocked to hear that the 1st available appointment would be the 12th March. The receptionist asked if that was OK and begrudgingly I bit my lip and nodded. She then asked if I was sure as she could clearly see the distress in my expression. 'You need to see someone soon don't you?' she said. 'Please' I replied then she wondered off to grab a pen and paper. 'Write down your name, age and telephone number and I'll see what I can do' So I did and handed back the piece of paper. She then goes to the phone and after about 30seconds, she returns, 'come round' she said, so I make my way to the reception door. She opens it then leads me to the phone. 'The lady you'll be speaking to is called Kate'

The next few minutes seemed to last forever and I've never felt so uncomfortable in all my life.

She asks in a soothing and soft toned voice what's wrong. I stutter, trying to find the words. 'Erm well I've got alot going on at the moment. I'm a self harmer and I can't cope'
She then goes on to ask some more questions i.e. Am I sleeping properly, what's my appetite like etc I also explain that I've not been taking my meds.

By this point my eyes are welling up as I stare aimlessly out of the surgery window hoping and praying that I don't break down 'Don't cry' is all I can think of. 'OK, well all the support workers are in on Monday and we can sit and have a chat about it then. I'll take your details. Are you going to be alright over the weekend' she says to which I replied 'I should be, I'll be working' But she then says 'Where are you living, is there anyone suppor....' I cut her off as I know where this is heading. 'I live at home with my mum and she's part of the problem' I felt the trickle down my face, I tried so so hard to not cry but saying those words just made me want to burst into tears.
So anyway, I'll be waiting on a phone call Monday, just hope I survive the weekend. Will also be picking up my prescription too. This is good right? Positive? So why am I not convinced?

Work tonight and tomorrow is gonna be murder........

I can't keep doing this. I don't wanna be here. As in I don't wanna live anymore. I don't wanna go through the motions anymore. Always pretending to be fucking happy and smiley. Somethings gotta give and that something is me!

Am I strong enough to do it, I guess only time will tell.....

I just wanna stop fucking crying like a cunt. I wanna be 'normal'

It's that or nothing

It's been so long
That I haven't seen your face
I'm tryna be strong
But the strength I have is washing away

It wont be long
Before I get you by my side
And just hold you, tease you, squeeze you
Tell you what's been on my mind

I wanna make up right now, na na
I wanna make up right now, na na
Wish we never broke up right now, na na
We need to link up right now, na na

I wanna make up right now, na na
I wanna make up right now, na na
Wish we never broke up right now, na na
We need to link up right now, na na

Girl I know mistakes were made between us two
And we show our eyes that night
Even said somethings weren't true
Why'd you go and haven't seen my girl since then
Why can't it be the way it was?
Cos you were my homie, lover and friend

I wanna make up right now, na na
I wanna make up right now, na na
Wish we never broke up right now, na na
We need to link up right now, na na

I wanna make up right now, na na
I wanna make up right now, na na
Wish we never broke up right now, na na
We need to link up right now, na na

I can't lie
I miss you much
Watching everyday that goes by
I miss you much
Until I get you back I'm gonna try
Yes I miss you much
You are the apple of my eye
Girl I miss you much

I miss you much
I can't lie
I miss you much
Watching everyday that goes by
I miss you much
Until I get you back I'm gonna try
Yes I miss you much
You are the apple of my eye
Girl I miss you much
I miss you much

I wanna make up right now, na na
I wanna make up right now, na na
Wish we never broke up right now, na na
We need to link up right now, na na

I wanna make up right now, na na
I wanna make up right now, na na
Wish we never broke up right now, na na
We need to link up right now, na na

I want you to fly with me
Want you to fly
I miss how you lie with me
Miss how you lie
Just wish you could dine with me
Wish you could dine
One that would grind with me
One that would grind with me

I want you to fly with me
Want you to fly
I miss how you lie with me
Miss how you lie
Just wish you could dine with me
Wish you could dine
One that would grind with me
One that would grind

I wanna make up right now, na na
I wanna make up right now, na na
Wish we never broke up right now, na na
We need to link up right now, na na

I wanna make up right now, na na
I wanna make up right now, na na
Wish we never broke up right now, na na
We need to link up right now, na na

I don't wanna lose you
I never wanna leave you
But you don't need me
I'll bring you down

You think you know best
You think you know me
But I know I love you
Why can't you see

I'm hurting like hell inside
I'm not able to funtion properly
I need you to know I'm sorry
Those words weren't so true

I'm on self destruct
I'm crying by myself
I can't do this without you
Just hold my hand




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Now playing: Nirvana - You Know You're Right (previously unreleased)
via FoxyTunes

I'm contacting the counselling services A.S.A.P

I've not felt suicidal in months but the build up of recent events just makes me wonder what's the point of living. If I make people feel that bad that they want to hurt themselves then I really have no place on this earth.......


Just wanna fucking cry but the tears won't come out, what's wrong with me? :(

I don't ask you or encourage you to read my blogs. It's the only place I can express myself fully and if that's a crime then so will it ever be. IF YOU DONT' LIKE IT THEN FUCK OFF, SIMPLE!!

Why I'm in such a rage;

I''ve been called a slag by some bint that I've never even spoken too
I've been threatened
I've been told to 'grow up'
I've been called 'vindictive' & 'spitefull'
I've been compared to a cunt of an ex
I've been blamed for someone else's self harm

Every little things I've said, you've twisted in everyway possible.
You've destroyed me and torn me apart til there's nothing more to say. How could you do this to me? You can't even see what you've done wrong. STOP BLAMING ME 'COS UR TOO FUCKED IN THE HEAD.

I never blamed you, until now.

You're no use to urself let alone anyone else and certainly not me

I hate you right now, HATE YOU

You don't know me because you never gave me a chance.

And now you'll never really no me and nor will anyone else

Who the fuck do you think you are treating me like this??

This is the last time!

I was half tempted to post all the emails on here so everyone could judge for themselves and see who's really in the wrong. Don't worry I won't!

I stood by you even when accusations were being made but you've made me feel like a mug!

And stop banging on about my ex's. I get on with them because they never treated me like you did!

ALL YOU'VE DONE IS INSULT ME AND LAID INTO ME, you're a nasty bit of work and I'm glad we're not together, doubt you'd stay faithful any way from what I've heard!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCKING HATE MY LIFE AND THE MEN IN IT, GO TO HELL.

LOOK AT THE SORT OF PERSON YOU'VE TURNED ME INTO, HOPE UR ALL VERY HAPPY!!!

If this was the right thing to do as I don't know how I'll deal with the consequences but here goes...

This is why you SHOULDN'T self harm:



And I'm so so sorry to everyone I lied to, I just couldn't help myself.



I feel sick when I look at these and I hope to god it's enough to stop me doing it over and over again...

That was about 2wks ago and I'm ashamed to say I've done it again since.

I'm in a dark place I know




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Now playing: Franz Ferdinand - Katherine Kiss Me
via FoxyTunes

I don't actually play it I just like to take photo's of it :P

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Now playing: Franz Ferdinand - Lucid Dreams
via FoxyTunes

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Now playing: White Lies - E.S.T.
via FoxyTunes

So these are some of the many things that'll be keeping my mind occupied for some time





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Now playing: Linkin Park - Crawling
via FoxyTunes

I'm not taking this crap anymore. I'm not a child. I don't need my decisions being made for me.