All Under One Roof

Why am I having all these really mixed emotions and thoughts? I mean why do I have these strong feelings for someone who's done nothing but bring me heartache? Who openly admits that he can never make me happy and although I actually know this deep deep deep down inside, I still really want him!

You know what's weird though? I didn't even know how I felt till after we split. That's why I was originally fine but then reality kicked in and sent my mind into overdrive. I can honestly say I've never had that happen before as I've always known how I've felt at time about that person in my life.

So, this makes me wonder; Was I so determined to keep him at arms length that I actually succeeded in kidding myself that I didn't have strong feelings for him whilst we were together? If this is the case then I'm slightly worried that further more heartache will eventually lead to me shutting out everyone who tries to get close.

I've never been emotionally retarded in that sense. If anything, I've always been the opposite. Very open, very trusting, very affectionate and very loving but I worry that I'll let the actions of other people determine who I become. I don't want to change in that kinda way. I don't see anything wrong in trusting people enough to be open and affectionate with them.






Just looking back on relationships and thinking about it, up until after my ex fiance I never had issues with trust or similar. I've realised that pretty much every person I've dated or other has hurt me quite bad since my ex fiance. So why is this happening? Is this to make up for the lack of hurt previous... no that's silly! So maybe it's payback? Karma coming to kick me in the proverbial butt. I'm starting to believe more and more that because I was to blame for previous relationship break downs, that it's now my turn to feel some of the hurt that I had caused to others.

So where do I go from here? I don't want to continue becoming less trusting and more guarded or detached... think I need to re-evaluate the situation!

I really should of done this a long time ago but I need time out to find myself. I don't know who or what I am. All I know is that there is someone out there who'll do me right and look after me but I hope to god that it's not too late by the time he finds me.