All Under One Roof

I'm ready to admit defeat....... with all my thoughts it leads to the same conclusion. There's fuck all I can do to make it all stop. I'm emotional. Irrational. Sad. Lonely. Erratic. Morbid. Suicidal. Hurting. Self-destructive......... and yet again I've resorted to self harming.

I don't know how to ask for help or even if I want to. I want it all to end. To just disappear. To not worry anymore. To not have that total loss of self-control. To get rid of this build up pressure inside my mind. I WANT TO BE 'NORMAL'

I'm not naive to the way the world works. I know there are many people suffering so much more. There's no such thing as happy endings or an easy life but c'mon, this is ridculous. My life is ridculous. Just a waste of time and effort. I am living proof that there is NO God.... you wanna disagree then try me because I cannot believe someone who apparently is responsible for the whole of mankind, would actually be so cruel. Was he/she having a fucking laugh when I came into this world?

And to be quite honest I'm sick of myself trying to feed all this bullshit to everyone else such as 'if you want something bad enough you've just gotta go and get it' or 'good things come to those who wait' or 'only you can change things' OR my personal favourite 'things can only get better' - WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT. Who the hell am I kidding? Myself, that's who.

Most people will read this and think 'oh look at her, feeling all sorry for herself, she should just snap out of it........' Do want my opinion? FUCK OFF...... you don't have a clue what I'm feeling/thinking or going through and I'm sick of trying to justify myself to people who generally couldn't give a toss whether I was alive or not. I try and open up but how can no-one read the signs? My cry for help? And I'm not ashamed to say it either! I think the damage is done and there is no help for me. I have NOTHING to look forward to in my life.

The lack of love in my childhood, which is more than likely the reason I crave it so much else where now. No career with no prospect of ever owning my own home or even a car. No family, children to bear. No future. I have NO future so let's face it, what's the point? Don't feed me your crap that things will get better because after all these years.... burnt out. Worn to a stub and I can't handle this shit anymore.

There a few things that can raise a smile... perhaps being in the company of someone I consider to be truly wonderful, but that was to be short lived. Music isn't even having a positive effect on me at the moment as I can't refrain from listening to what I would say is generally very depressing stuff. Sunshine and the warm weather - totally wasted on me as I own far too many black clothes and most are more suited to colder climates as I can't show my arms or legs due to my scars. I look like some bloody freak, sweating away 'cos she's covered head to toe in clothing.

You want an analysis? I'm so fuckin' screwed in the head - this is one person that just cannot be fixed......................................................

You're pullling on me
Bringing me down
Making me want you
And I know I can't have you
It's getting worse
I know you'll never be mine
Not in the sense of how I want you




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Now playing: Nirvana - All Apologies
via FoxyTunes

Yet I have to vent (or blog) as I'm soooo fucking frustrated with the world and myself... it's constant and I've had enough tbh. If it's not one thing it's another. Money, job, home, love life (well lack of all 4) is driving me to the brink of total dispair. I feel as though I want to scream or cry or shout or something. It keeps going round my head time and time again, What may seem trivial to some is just dominating my every thought. I want to be 'happy' - to feel anything other than this torment. I'm back on self-destruct and powerless to stop it from consuming me. Dragged down with worry and anguish. There's so much going on in my head and I can't truly find the words to describe how I'm really feeling but let's just say it's not good......

Sorry but I couldn't find the original music video - still awesome though
Also used in the film 'Hackers'
Beautiful....enjoy :)

This girl I know needs some shelter
She don't believe anyone can help her
She's doing so much harm, doing so much damage
But you don't want to get involved
You tell her she can manage
And you can't change the way she feels
But you could put your arms around her

I know you want to live yourself
But could you forgive yourself
If you left her just the way
You found her

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

You're a boy and i'm a girl
But you know you can lean on me
And I don't have no fear
I'll take on any man here
Who says that's not the way it should be

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

She's a girl and you're a boy
Sometimes you look so small, look so small
You've got a baby of your own
When your baby's grown, she'll be the one
To catch you when you fall

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

You're a girl and i'm a boy
You're a girl and i'm a boy
You're a girl and i'm a boy
You're a girl and i'm a boy

Sometimes you look so small, need some shelter
Just runnin' round and round, helter skelter
And I've leaned on you for years
Now you can lean on me
And that's more than love, that's the way
It should be
Now I can't change the way you think
But I can put my arms around you
That's just part of the deal
That's the way I feel
I put my arms around you

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

You're a boy and i'm a girl
You're a boy and i'm a girl
You're a boy and i'm a girl
You're a boy and i'm a girl

What a fab album of which I really can't get enough of. 40 qulity tunes from 1967 to present covered by some of todays most talented artists.

Favourite songs include:

• ‘Drinking in LA’ by Bran Van 3000 Covered by The Twang
• ‘No Diggity’ by Blackstreet Covered by Klaxons
• ‘Stillness In Time’ by Jamiroquai Covered by Calvin Harris
• ‘Crazy For You’ by Madonna Covered by Groove Armada feat. Alan Donohue
• Englishman In New York‘ by Sting Covered by Razorlight
• ‘Fast Car’ by Tracy Chapman Covered by Mutya Buena
• 'Flowers In The Rain' by The Move Covered by Kaiser Chiefs
• 'All Along The Watchtower' by Jimi Hendrix Experience
• 'Cupid' by Johnny Nash Covered by Amy Winehouse
• 'Betcha By Golly, Wow' by The Stylistics Covered by Sugababes
• ‘Band On The Run’ by Wings Covered by Foo Fighters
• ‘Sound & Vision’ by David Bowie Covered by Franz Ferdinand
• ‘Teenage Kicks’ by The Undertones Covered by The Raconteurs
• ‘Too Much Too Young’ by The Specials Covered by Kasabian
• ‘Come Back And Stay’ by Paul Young Covered by James Morrison
• ‘Careless Whisper’ by George Michael Covered by The Gossip
• ‘Don't Get Me Wrong’ by The Pretenders Covered by Lily Allen

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Based on the novel by Stephenie Meyer, Twilight is the ultimate chick flick for vampire fanatics, thus why I absolutely LOVES it. Without going into too much detail as to not spoil it for the rest of you - it's the story of a vampire by the name of Edward Cullen, who falls deeply in love with new student, Bella Swan. Admittedly it isnt't a very stong story line but the cast are fantastic and it's beautifully shot. I'm a sucker for soppy love stories but shhhh - don't tell anyone ok?

Also eagerly awaiting the release of Twilight: New Moon - the second installment from the series. Unsure of the exact date of release but rumours have it that it'll be some time in November..... fingers crossed!

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I'd never heard of him until watching Twilight and didn't even realise he played the character of Cedric Diggory in two of the Harry Potter films! Although already an attractive young man, he definitely looks even more gorgeous playing that of a vampire... I also think he's a quality actor (aged only 23) and british to boot so keep your eyes peeled folks. He's a star in the making.

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Whilst I've always had a morbid fascination with these fanged beauties, recently they seem to occupy my thoughts for most of the day prompting me to dig out the blood-lust movies and scroll through vamp pics whilst scouring numerous vampiric websites and anything remotely to do with vamps!! In short - I think it's time to seek some professional help ;)
I just adore them. The teeth, the blood, the biting and even their weaknesses....... intrigued MUCH? I think so!

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TBC...

• Lustrious acts
  
• Alcohol
• Facebook
• My mobile phone
• Eating junk
  
• Men
• Kisses
• Intimacy
• T'internet
• Vampires
  
• Music
• DVD's
  
• That look on your face when your just about to.....

Old Selena: Meet hot guy she really likes, perhaps get's intimate, forms unhealthy attactments to said guy then get's heart broken.....


New Selena: Meet hot guy she really likes, perhaps get's intimate, realizes she'll never be good enough for anyone, doesn't form any kind of emotional attachments and thinks that maybe single life is the way forward.




I don't know what's more soul destroying but at least I can iron out some of the flaws in my life. Keep them all at arms length but if they're worth it then make them fight for YOU - not the other way round. I'm done with all the chasing and wearing my heart on my sleeve. No-one likes rejection, not even me. It's amazing how much I can live in denial if needs be without ever really letting on how I truly feel. So here it is - even if I really like you and I think you'd make me happy...... the likelyhood is that I'll never tell you!

I'm feeling ever so tearfully emotional and I'm praying it's because I'm due on.
I'm really struggling again...... will things ever REALLY get any better? I'm such a twat though - I've stopped taking my meds because I couldn't be bothered to book an appointment and pick them up so I've only got myself to blame I know! It's getting more prominent though - that feeling I get when I want to cut into my bare flesh... I'm just a fuck up really