All Under One Roof

I'm ready to admit defeat....... with all my thoughts it leads to the same conclusion. There's fuck all I can do to make it all stop. I'm emotional. Irrational. Sad. Lonely. Erratic. Morbid. Suicidal. Hurting. Self-destructive......... and yet again I've resorted to self harming.

I don't know how to ask for help or even if I want to. I want it all to end. To just disappear. To not worry anymore. To not have that total loss of self-control. To get rid of this build up pressure inside my mind. I WANT TO BE 'NORMAL'

I'm not naive to the way the world works. I know there are many people suffering so much more. There's no such thing as happy endings or an easy life but c'mon, this is ridculous. My life is ridculous. Just a waste of time and effort. I am living proof that there is NO God.... you wanna disagree then try me because I cannot believe someone who apparently is responsible for the whole of mankind, would actually be so cruel. Was he/she having a fucking laugh when I came into this world?

And to be quite honest I'm sick of myself trying to feed all this bullshit to everyone else such as 'if you want something bad enough you've just gotta go and get it' or 'good things come to those who wait' or 'only you can change things' OR my personal favourite 'things can only get better' - WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT. Who the hell am I kidding? Myself, that's who.

Most people will read this and think 'oh look at her, feeling all sorry for herself, she should just snap out of it........' Do want my opinion? FUCK OFF...... you don't have a clue what I'm feeling/thinking or going through and I'm sick of trying to justify myself to people who generally couldn't give a toss whether I was alive or not. I try and open up but how can no-one read the signs? My cry for help? And I'm not ashamed to say it either! I think the damage is done and there is no help for me. I have NOTHING to look forward to in my life.

The lack of love in my childhood, which is more than likely the reason I crave it so much else where now. No career with no prospect of ever owning my own home or even a car. No family, children to bear. No future. I have NO future so let's face it, what's the point? Don't feed me your crap that things will get better because after all these years.... burnt out. Worn to a stub and I can't handle this shit anymore.

There a few things that can raise a smile... perhaps being in the company of someone I consider to be truly wonderful, but that was to be short lived. Music isn't even having a positive effect on me at the moment as I can't refrain from listening to what I would say is generally very depressing stuff. Sunshine and the warm weather - totally wasted on me as I own far too many black clothes and most are more suited to colder climates as I can't show my arms or legs due to my scars. I look like some bloody freak, sweating away 'cos she's covered head to toe in clothing.

You want an analysis? I'm so fuckin' screwed in the head - this is one person that just cannot be fixed......................................................