All Under One Roof

Afew days can make.... I'm feeling so so much happier even though my situation hasn't really improved but I just don't care. I don't care ner ner ner ner nerrr

I've never in my whole life felt so alone as I do right now. I mean yeah I've felt pretty low and alone before but never as bad as this... So picture it; I'm alone in a house with no furniture except a futon, no food, no cigarettes or alcohol, miles from family and 'friends' with no money to go anywhere or do anything. How the hell would you feel? With no job and the fact that I've gotta be out of here by the end of week... I think I have every reason to feel exceptionally low right now. I haven't left the house. Where would I go? What would I do? Who can I talk to? People like saying 'if you need someone to talk to, you know where I am' as it makes them feel like a good person but to be honest they forget about me because I try and make out that things aren't as bad as reality. In reality I'm broken and almost envious of everyone who has a nice little life enjoying themselves with their mates. I'm dying for a proper meal. I actually think I now hate bread. I'm going crazy here. I really don't know where to turn. All these 'friends' I have yet I can't let myself go in front of them. I can't be me. I need a shoulder to cry on. How many people have actually ever seen me cry? I don't mean the stupid alcohol induced tears but the soul wrenching ones where you can barely breath... I feel like my head is being pulled in every direction. Spinning thoughts that make me feel sick inside. Tearing though my blood is a rapid adrenalin rush of what then leads to self loathing. I can't truly cry unless I'm drunk or listening to a really emotional song and it's killing me because I have no way of venting. I don't want to resort to my handy blade work but I also have no idea what else I can do. I'm a freak. I cut to bleed, to make sense of who I am and whether my life has a purpose. I'm positive it doesn't. No one knows who I am, not even me. I need help. I don't know what kind but this just isn't right. I never ask directly. I want to but the words just won't come out. Too much pride ironically. I just want someone to hold me and tell me they'll do everything they can to help me. I've tried doing it on my own but I just can't. Someone I trust implicitly with my life. Someone who I can share my inner thoughts with. Someone who knows what I'm going through and can fully appreciate the pain. I just can't relate to anyone who hasn't had similar experiences. I'm guarded as it is so I certainly wouldn't open up to the average Joe. I don't know if I'm pushing people away or they just get sick of me. Can you fathom what it feels like to wish you were dead virtually every waking hour of every day? It's not a good feeling, trust me. I'm sitting here about how undignified my current situation is right now. I feel like some sort of squatter. It's rather pitiful I must admit. Help.