All Under One Roof

Holy Cow!!

2010-02-09T00:44:00.004Z

Has it really been 6/7 months since I last blogged? One can only assume that within all that time one had been extremely happy.... one would be right.

OK so it's late and I'm going to try my hardest not to rush this as to not miss out any details (because I know I've been missed, much like small pox) but it's the pressure you see for I fear that if I do not blog soon then Mr bloody Groom will cause me harm, the kind of harm usually only restricted to rabid animals. So Groom, this is for you and without further ado here comes my first blog in YONKS.

_________________

Let me think, July 12th 2009 was my last entry so what has happened since then? Well July 29th saw my 25th Birthday. Had plans, cancelled, made new plans... 'go out and get drunk'- this was the new plan. What I hadn't planned on was meeting my then future partner, lover, friend, confidant and boyfriend.

It was fancy dress and me and Paris opted for a burlesque theme whilst Jana came as Marilyn Monroe and Kerri-Lee and co. came as a sexy Police Woman and Cheerleader. The other didn't dress up but I was grateful that they turned up. We started at the the usual meeting place, The Troll Cart. Cheap Wetherspoon drinks to get us in the mood. We then headed toward the seafront and Bar X where it was karaoke and we all know how I loves the karaoke.
Anyway, everyone's mingling and being friendly and such and as I look over to my friend I notice her chatting to a couple of guys. One who caught my eye. Admittedly I was a wee bit drunkered by this point but managed to stagger over in my 3" heels. There I was greeted by the most gorgeous man I'd ever seen. I knew there and then (and here comes the cliché) that I wanted him in my life. My friend proceeded to introduce me to them as they were friends of hers. I was smitten and he'd barely even opened his mouth! Maybe it was his Nirvana T-shirt or his luscious shiny hair (in the non-greasy sense) or just his god damn sex appeal that made me go gooey, I don't know. So we chatted, mainly about music. He told me about a band I'd never heard of before. He also told me he played guitar and that he'd love to start a cover band etc. As you can imagine, I was 'bowled' over (those of you who know me and Al will get the pun)!! Next thing you know I'm up on stage have a sing-song then falling off it, luckily he didn't see the falling bit otherwise this story could've had a very different ending. We exchanged email addresses (both a little too shy to ask for numbers I guess) and wondered over to the pier where we kinda just parted our ways.

I couldn't stop thinking about him though so I asked my friend for his full name on Facebook but she didn't know it. Luckily she pointed me in the direction of someone who did and I added him. I didn't really hear from him for a while, mainly because we were going to chat via Facebook but alas, he never went on it and to this day he barely uses it.

Roughly about 6 weeks after my birthday I was out on a random night with friends. I looked round and low and behold who should I see just sat there outside The Troll... yup it was him. I wondered over (less drunk than the 1st time we'd met) and we just hit it off. We ended up drinking 'til the small hours in various nightclubs and as the evening drew to a close I knew I couldn't let him go. The funny thing is I can be quite shy when I really like someone. I don't quite remember how it happened but we were stood outside the Longbar and he just kissed me. It was bliss and who doesn't love that 1st kiss feeling. So let's just say it started with a kiss and the rest (as they say) is history.

That was 5 months ago and I there is not a single thing I'd change about him or us. We don't argue, I adore him to pieces, he makes me laugh CONSTANTLY, he makes me feel life is worth living again and that's not me being dramatic. He's totally awesome and I'm completely in love through and through. I simply cannot imagine me without him. All I can say is through every 'mistake' I've made, a lesson was learnt and this time he's for keeps <3<3<3 (I really hope he never reads this as I can just see him now, cringing at the screen lol)

Well I was going to continue but I've just had a look at the time and it's like LATE. And as if it's taken me 2 hours to write up to this point.... shocking. So for now I shall retire and continue at a later date, good night folks.

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Now playing: Bob Marley & The Wailers - Stir It Up
via FoxyTunes

It's That Time Again Folks

2009-07-12T00:31:00.002+01:00

I only really write when I'm feeling shit because it's like therapy for me. So low and behold... I'm not feeling so fine and dandy. Just fucked off I guess. I don't like feeling emotional. I wish I were some kind of robot tbh. Wouldn't it be good if something nice happened for a change. I won't hold my breath. I need a release and we all know how well that usually ends but tonight I'm gonna refrain. Purely on the fact that my last cuts haven't healed properly and one inparticular looks really visible and red. So instead I choose Oasis, MSN & Facebook in the vain hope that it'll deter me long enough to do anything.....

.....I just want to cry

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Now playing: Oasis - Don't Look Back In Anger
via FoxyTunes

Forest Tours

2009-07-02T17:52:00.008+01:00

Well it's been a good week me thinks. I worked Friday & Saturday doing crowd control in Cannock for the Forest Tours where I got to see Paul Weller & Sugababes :) Then Sunday I worked in Chelmsford for the Twenty20 cricket *yawn* lol

I then received my interview letter from GY college asking me to go in for an assesment on the 16th. Hopefully I'll pass and then I can start college in September. It's an Access to Social Work course.... Very exciting.

I've also applied TWICE for a seasonal job abroad in Kos, Greece. Would be awesome so hoping to hear from them very soon :)

Plus I should be getting some money Money as I've been so so poor :( Rahhhh :P

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Now playing: Morrissey - The More You Ignore Me The Closer I Get
via FoxyTunes

Jack Peñate - The Waterfront

2009-06-21T21:30:00.001+01:00

'Tis Me - Singing

2009-06-15T20:10:00.003+01:00

I Don't Have A Frickin' Clue...

2009-06-09T16:11:00.001+01:00

What A Friggin' Difference

2009-06-09T16:03:00.002+01:00

Afew days can make.... I'm feeling so so much happier even though my situation hasn't really improved but I just don't care. I don't care ner ner ner ner nerrr

2009-06-02T21:11:00.001+01:00

I've never in my whole life felt so alone as I do right now. I mean yeah I've felt pretty low and alone before but never as bad as this... So picture it; I'm alone in a house with no furniture except a futon, no food, no cigarettes or alcohol, miles from family and 'friends' with no money to go anywhere or do anything. How the hell would you feel? With no job and the fact that I've gotta be out of here by the end of week... I think I have every reason to feel exceptionally low right now. I haven't left the house. Where would I go? What would I do? Who can I talk to? People like saying 'if you need someone to talk to, you know where I am' as it makes them feel like a good person but to be honest they forget about me because I try and make out that things aren't as bad as reality. In reality I'm broken and almost envious of everyone who has a nice little life enjoying themselves with their mates. I'm dying for a proper meal. I actually think I now hate bread. I'm going crazy here. I really don't know where to turn. All these 'friends' I have yet I can't let myself go in front of them. I can't be me. I need a shoulder to cry on. How many people have actually ever seen me cry? I don't mean the stupid alcohol induced tears but the soul wrenching ones where you can barely breath... I feel like my head is being pulled in every direction. Spinning thoughts that make me feel sick inside. Tearing though my blood is a rapid adrenalin rush of what then leads to self loathing. I can't truly cry unless I'm drunk or listening to a really emotional song and it's killing me because I have no way of venting. I don't want to resort to my handy blade work but I also have no idea what else I can do. I'm a freak. I cut to bleed, to make sense of who I am and whether my life has a purpose. I'm positive it doesn't. No one knows who I am, not even me. I need help. I don't know what kind but this just isn't right. I never ask directly. I want to but the words just won't come out. Too much pride ironically. I just want someone to hold me and tell me they'll do everything they can to help me. I've tried doing it on my own but I just can't. Someone I trust implicitly with my life. Someone who I can share my inner thoughts with. Someone who knows what I'm going through and can fully appreciate the pain. I just can't relate to anyone who hasn't had similar experiences. I'm guarded as it is so I certainly wouldn't open up to the average Joe. I don't know if I'm pushing people away or they just get sick of me. Can you fathom what it feels like to wish you were dead virtually every waking hour of every day? It's not a good feeling, trust me. I'm sitting here about how undignified my current situation is right now. I feel like some sort of squatter. It's rather pitiful I must admit. Help.

I Think

2009-05-31T13:15:00.002+01:00

I'm ready to admit defeat....... with all my thoughts it leads to the same conclusion. There's fuck all I can do to make it all stop. I'm emotional. Irrational. Sad. Lonely. Erratic. Morbid. Suicidal. Hurting. Self-destructive......... and yet again I've resorted to self harming.

I don't know how to ask for help or even if I want to. I want it all to end. To just disappear. To not worry anymore. To not have that total loss of self-control. To get rid of this build up pressure inside my mind. I WANT TO BE 'NORMAL'

I'm not naive to the way the world works. I know there are many people suffering so much more. There's no such thing as happy endings or an easy life but c'mon, this is ridculous. My life is ridculous. Just a waste of time and effort. I am living proof that there is NO God.... you wanna disagree then try me because I cannot believe someone who apparently is responsible for the whole of mankind, would actually be so cruel. Was he/she having a fucking laugh when I came into this world?

And to be quite honest I'm sick of myself trying to feed all this bullshit to everyone else such as 'if you want something bad enough you've just gotta go and get it' or 'good things come to those who wait' or 'only you can change things' OR my personal favourite 'things can only get better' - WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT. Who the hell am I kidding? Myself, that's who.

Most people will read this and think 'oh look at her, feeling all sorry for herself, she should just snap out of it........' Do want my opinion? FUCK OFF...... you don't have a clue what I'm feeling/thinking or going through and I'm sick of trying to justify myself to people who generally couldn't give a toss whether I was alive or not. I try and open up but how can no-one read the signs? My cry for help? And I'm not ashamed to say it either! I think the damage is done and there is no help for me. I have NOTHING to look forward to in my life.

The lack of love in my childhood, which is more than likely the reason I crave it so much else where now. No career with no prospect of ever owning my own home or even a car. No family, children to bear. No future. I have NO future so let's face it, what's the point? Don't feed me your crap that things will get better because after all these years.... burnt out. Worn to a stub and I can't handle this shit anymore.

There a few things that can raise a smile... perhaps being in the company of someone I consider to be truly wonderful, but that was to be short lived. Music isn't even having a positive effect on me at the moment as I can't refrain from listening to what I would say is generally very depressing stuff. Sunshine and the warm weather - totally wasted on me as I own far too many black clothes and most are more suited to colder climates as I can't show my arms or legs due to my scars. I look like some bloody freak, sweating away 'cos she's covered head to toe in clothing.

You want an analysis? I'm so fuckin' screwed in the head - this is one person that just cannot be fixed......................................................

2009-05-31T12:52:00.002+01:00

You're pullling on me
Bringing me down
Making me want you
And I know I can't have you
It's getting worse
I know you'll never be mine
Not in the sense of how I want you

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Now playing: Nirvana - All Apologies
via FoxyTunes

Paramore - I Caught Myself & Decode

2009-05-31T10:33:00.003+01:00

-I Caught Myself-

Down to you
You're pushing and pulling me down to you
But I dont know what I
Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
I'm saying something that I should have never thought
Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
I'm saying something that I should have never thought of you, of you

You're pushing and pulling me down to you
But I don't know what I want
No I don't know what I want

You got it, you got it
Some kind of magic
Hypnotic, hypnotic
You're leaving me breathless
I hate this, I hate this
You're not the one I believe in
With God as my witness

Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
I'm saying something that I should have never thought
Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
I'm saying something that I should have never thought of you, of you

You're pushing and pulling me down to you
But I don't know what I want
No I don't know what I want

Don't know what I want
But I know it's not you
Keep pushing and pulling me down

But I know in my heart it's not you

Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
I'm saying something that I should have never thought
Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
I'm saying something that I should have never thought of you
I knew, I know in my heart it's not you
I knew, But now I know what I want, I want, I want
Oh no, I should have never thought

-Decode-

How can I decide what's right?
When you're clouding up my mind
Can't win your losing fight all the time
Not gonna ever own what's mine
When you're always taking sides
You wont take away my pride
No not this time
Not this time

How did we get here?
I use to know you so well
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know how

The truth is hiding in your eyes
And its hanging on your tongue
Just boiling in my blood,
But you think that I can't see
What kind of man that you are
If you're a man at all
Well, I will figure this one out on my own
(I'm screaming "I love you so..." But my thoughts you can't decode)

How did we get here?
I use to know you so well
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know how

Do you see what we've done?
We're gonna make such fools of ourselves
Do you see what we've done?
We're gonna make such fools of ourselves

How did we get here?
I use to know you so well
How did we get here?
Well, I use to know you so well

I think I know
I think I know
There is something that I see in you
It might kill me I want it to be true

Half Asleep

2009-05-31T05:42:00.002+01:00

Yet I have to vent (or blog) as I'm soooo fucking frustrated with the world and myself... it's constant and I've had enough tbh. If it's not one thing it's another. Money, job, home, love life (well lack of all 4) is driving me to the brink of total dispair. I feel as though I want to scream or cry or shout or something. It keeps going round my head time and time again, What may seem trivial to some is just dominating my every thought. I want to be 'happy' - to feel anything other than this torment. I'm back on self-destruct and powerless to stop it from consuming me. Dragged down with worry and anguish. There's so much going on in my head and I can't truly find the words to describe how I'm really feeling but let's just say it's not good......

Massive Attack Ft. Tracy Thorn - Protection

2009-05-24T18:43:00.002+01:00

Sorry but I couldn't find the original music video - still awesome though
Also used in the film 'Hackers'
Beautiful....enjoy :)

This girl I know needs some shelter
She don't believe anyone can help her
She's doing so much harm, doing so much damage
But you don't want to get involved
You tell her she can manage
And you can't change the way she feels
But you could put your arms around her

I know you want to live yourself
But could you forgive yourself
If you left her just the way
You found her

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

You're a boy and i'm a girl
But you know you can lean on me
And I don't have no fear
I'll take on any man here
Who says that's not the way it should be

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

She's a girl and you're a boy
Sometimes you look so small, look so small
You've got a baby of your own
When your baby's grown, she'll be the one
To catch you when you fall

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

You're a girl and i'm a boy
You're a girl and i'm a boy
You're a girl and i'm a boy
You're a girl and i'm a boy

Sometimes you look so small, need some shelter
Just runnin' round and round, helter skelter
And I've leaned on you for years
Now you can lean on me
And that's more than love, that's the way
It should be
Now I can't change the way you think
But I can put my arms around you
That's just part of the deal
That's the way I feel
I put my arms around you

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

You're a boy and i'm a girl
You're a boy and i'm a girl
You're a boy and i'm a girl
You're a boy and i'm a girl

This Moment In Time

2009-05-22T13:01:00.012+01:00

Album - Radio 1 Est. 1967

What a fab album of which I really can't get enough of. 40 qulity tunes from 1967 to present covered by some of todays most talented artists.

Favourite songs include:

‘Drinking in LA’ by Bran Van 3000 Covered by The Twang
‘No Diggity’ by Blackstreet Covered by Klaxons
‘Stillness In Time’ by Jamiroquai Covered by Calvin Harris
‘Crazy For You’ by Madonna Covered by Groove Armada feat. Alan Donohue
Englishman In New York‘ by Sting Covered by Razorlight
‘Fast Car’ by Tracy Chapman Covered by Mutya Buena
'Flowers In The Rain' by The Move Covered by Kaiser Chiefs
'All Along The Watchtower' by Jimi Hendrix Experience
'Cupid' by Johnny Nash Covered by Amy Winehouse
'Betcha By Golly, Wow' by The Stylistics Covered by Sugababes
‘Band On The Run’ by Wings Covered by Foo Fighters
‘Sound & Vision’ by David Bowie Covered by Franz Ferdinand
‘Teenage Kicks’ by The Undertones Covered by The Raconteurs
‘Too Much Too Young’ by The Specials Covered by Kasabian
‘Come Back And Stay’ by Paul Young Covered by James Morrison
‘Careless Whisper’ by George Michael Covered by The Gossip
‘Don't Get Me Wrong’ by The Pretenders Covered by Lily Allen

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Movie - Twilight

When you can live forever,

What do you live for?

Based on the novel by Stephenie Meyer, Twilight is the ultimate chick flick for vampire fanatics, thus why I absolutely LOVES it. Without going into too much detail as to not spoil it for the rest of you - it's the story of a vampire by the name of Edward Cullen, who falls deeply in love with new student, Bella Swan. Admittedly it isnt't a very stong story line but the cast are fantastic and it's beautifully shot. I'm a sucker for soppy love stories but shhhh - don't tell anyone ok?

Also eagerly awaiting the release of Twilight: New Moon - the second installment from the series. Unsure of the exact date of release but rumours have it that it'll be some time in November..... fingers crossed!

____________________________________________________________________

Crush - Robert Pattison AKA Edward Cullen

I'd never heard of him until watching Twilight and didn't even realise he played the character of Cedric Diggory in two of the Harry Potter films! Although already an attractive young man, he definitely looks even more gorgeous playing that of a vampire... I also think he's a quality actor (aged only 23) and british to boot so keep your eyes peeled folks. He's a star in the making.

____________________________________________________________________

Obsession - Vampires

Whilst I've always had a morbid fascination with these fanged beauties, recently they seem to occupy my thoughts for most of the day prompting me to dig out the blood-lust movies and scroll through vamp pics whilst scouring numerous vampiric websites and anything remotely to do with vamps!! In short - I think it's time to seek some professional help ;)
I just adore them. The teeth, the blood, the biting and even their weaknesses....... intrigued MUCH? I think so!

____________________________________________________________________

Person - You know who you are...

You know when you meet that one person who could change your life, whether it be for the best or worst. Someone who can change your perspective on things that you thought you once knew. Discovering a new friendship is exciting and even more so when it's someone you just 'click' with. In a non romantic way (because apparently girls n boys can't be 'just friends') I'm happy to have you in my life. So, thanks for being my friend (wow that sounded lame - but I don't care so ner ner ner)

TBC...

Addictions

2009-05-21T21:48:00.002+01:00

Lustrious acts
Alcohol
Facebook
My mobile phone
Eating junk
Men
Kisses
Intimacy
T'internet
Vampires
Music
DVD's
That look on your face when your just about to.....

Proud or Stupid?

2009-05-21T20:57:00.003+01:00

Old Selena: Meet hot guy she really likes, perhaps get's intimate, forms unhealthy attactments to said guy then get's heart broken.....

New Selena: Meet hot guy she really likes, perhaps get's intimate, realizes she'll never be good enough for anyone, doesn't form any kind of emotional attachments and thinks that maybe single life is the way forward.

I don't know what's more soul destroying but at least I can iron out some of the flaws in my life. Keep them all at arms length but if they're worth it then make them fight for YOU - not the other way round. I'm done with all the chasing and wearing my heart on my sleeve. No-one likes rejection, not even me. It's amazing how much I can live in denial if needs be without ever really letting on how I truly feel. So here it is - even if I really like you and I think you'd make me happy...... the likelyhood is that I'll never tell you!

Love

2009-05-17T19:28:00.002+01:00

This film SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH.....

Been A While

2009-05-15T20:59:00.002+01:00

I'm feeling ever so tearfully emotional and I'm praying it's because I'm due on.
I'm really struggling again...... will things ever REALLY get any better? I'm such a twat though - I've stopped taking my meds because I couldn't be bothered to book an appointment and pick them up so I've only got myself to blame I know! It's getting more prominent though - that feeling I get when I want to cut into my bare flesh... I'm just a fuck up really

Bloody 'ell

2009-04-14T14:52:00.002+01:00

I'm covered head to toe in what looks like - flea bites!! WTF?? I'm guessing it's from the cats (although we've got rid of them now) and it's driving me crazy... constant itching is gross! They've biten me EVERYWHERE. I kid you not and I'm pissed off that I seem to be the only one who's suffering - not fair. I'm prone to such things because I have 'sweet blood'

You can guarentee if I'm on holiday in humid climates that I'll have THE BIGGEST mozzy bites. I've also got a cold :( On the bright side though I do however have a job - yay for me :)

Hey

2009-04-01T15:00:00.002+01:00

OK firstly - Groom! If you're reading this then I'd just like to say 'fuck I've missed you'

So now I've got that outta the way I would also like to say how sick I am of my bloody allergies i.e. dust mites & pet hair. It's driving me crackers as well as not having a job so I'm stuck indoors with nothing but my stupid itchy throat, eyes and runny noses and sneezes lol This is so NOT attractive.

Looking forward to the house 'party' Friday though - good times :D

For Once In A VERY Long Time

2009-03-29T13:23:00.003+01:00

I'm quite content with being single!! I've met some great people in Norwich and look forward to meeting many more. I also like feeling in control of my emotions and am very aware of how I'm not going to being treated as opposed to just letting people walk all over me.... I'm so much more happier here in Norwich - this truly is a fresh start. Now all I need is a job and then things will be perfect :D

It's Official

2009-03-18T13:29:00.003Z

As from Monday 16th March 2009 I am now living in the fine City of Norwich! I'm ever so happy...... :D

I Guess You're Wondering How Beds Went?

2009-03-14T19:27:00.001Z

It was wicked. Had a fab evening on the Tuesday and I'm now going to be living in Norwich...

Life is bloody good wouldn't you agree?!

Kelly's The Sweetest

2009-03-14T19:13:00.003Z

So I woke to find these lil messages all over the flat on the day of my departure from Bedford

How sweet?! xxx

Bedford Biatches

2009-03-14T18:47:00.008Z

Session 1

2009-03-06T18:20:00.002Z

Today was my 1st counselling session in about two years.

How did it go? -I'm not entirely sure tbh I just covered loads of things loosely hoping to find some solice. I talked and talked and talked and still I held back and made jokes about myself. I'm completely incapable of opening up properly and this is getting quite annoying!
I'm really hoping next weeks session goes a little better....

The Week Ahead

2009-03-05T20:21:00.002Z

Well Sunday I go to Bedford for a few days. I'll be catching up with friends and family woop woop. Tuesday evening I'll be meeting someone I've known on/off for around 3yrs. It's all VERY exciting.
Hopefully I'll get to lay some flowers for a friend too....

Andy McKee

2009-03-05T16:13:00.000Z

Bit Obsessed

2009-03-04T01:07:00.003Z

With customizing EVERYTHING...... Aaaaaaargh

I Dunno If I Like It?

2009-03-04T00:17:00.001Z

Howdy

2009-03-03T22:15:00.002Z

Well I'm feeling good. Was a bit of a dodgy week but I'm ok and just looking forward to starting my counselling now. Got a busy week ahead of me, spending time with various friends and such so I'll be keeping my mind occupied... although I really could do with a drink lol

My PC is fixed and running like a dream :) I've got my o2 sim in another phone so I can take advantage of the free texts and hopefully I'll get to Bedford on Sunday and get my bro's Laptop fixed. Fingers crossed hey!!

Happy Smiley

2009-02-26T15:39:00.003Z

Today I received a fantastic email from someone who doesn't really know me at all but boy did it cheer me. She made me realise that I'm not the only person to have fallen for those charms and beyond the charm is, well.... nothing. Nothing except hurt and pain and a general living nightmare.
Harsh? I don't think so. Truth, yes!

This I hope will be the very last mention of that person who messed with my head a little. I'm alot stronger than I thought and I can deal with things alot easier than before. Course, it could have something to do with the meds lmao

I shall be venturing into Norwich tonight to spend the evening with what I hope will be some fantastic company and enjoying some good grub, woop woop!!

Struggling

2009-02-25T17:56:00.001Z

To believe anything that comes from a mans mouth tbh

It's OK

2009-02-23T13:58:00.003Z

I feel OK. Not depressed yet not happy but definitely OK. And do you know what? That's a good thing because that means I'm getting better. It'll take a few weeks for my meds to fully kick in but I know it's for the best regardless of what anyone says. I just want to get my life back on track. I'm looking for a new job, out the area. Looking to move out aswell. I shall once again attempt to make things better with a more positive attitude. I don't need a man when I've got some of the greatest friends. And I don't need to dwell too much on the past when I've got a future... yes a future. Can't wait for my counselling to start either.

Things are............... OK!

Right!

2009-02-20T12:42:00.005Z

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. Get a grip Selena and stop sulking. It's over, so what? You'll move on a find someone better and you know it's true so get up, get dressed and start living your life a little. After all, we only get one chance. So that's it. No more sulky, depressing posts about men. Love will find you when you least expect it and it's even more likely if you don't go looking for it.

I Just Don't Understand

2009-02-18T02:40:00.012Z

Why am I having all these really mixed emotions and thoughts? I mean why do I have these strong feelings for someone who's done nothing but bring me heartache? Who openly admits that he can never make me happy and although I actually know this deep deep deep down inside, I still really want him!

You know what's weird though? I didn't even know how I felt till after we split. That's why I was originally fine but then reality kicked in and sent my mind into overdrive. I can honestly say I've never had that happen before as I've always known how I've felt at time about that person in my life.

So, this makes me wonder; Was I so determined to keep him at arms length that I actually succeeded in kidding myself that I didn't have strong feelings for him whilst we were together? If this is the case then I'm slightly worried that further more heartache will eventually lead to me shutting out everyone who tries to get close.

I've never been emotionally retarded in that sense. If anything, I've always been the opposite. Very open, very trusting, very affectionate and very loving but I worry that I'll let the actions of other people determine who I become. I don't want to change in that kinda way. I don't see anything wrong in trusting people enough to be open and affectionate with them.

Just looking back on relationships and thinking about it, up until after my ex fiance I never had issues with trust or similar. I've realised that pretty much every person I've dated or other has hurt me quite bad since my ex fiance. So why is this happening? Is this to make up for the lack of hurt previous... no that's silly! So maybe it's payback? Karma coming to kick me in the proverbial butt. I'm starting to believe more and more that because I was to blame for previous relationship break downs, that it's now my turn to feel some of the hurt that I had caused to others.

So where do I go from here? I don't want to continue becoming less trusting and more guarded or detached... think I need to re-evaluate the situation!

I really should of done this a long time ago but I need time out to find myself. I don't know who or what I am. All I know is that there is someone out there who'll do me right and look after me but I hope to god that it's not too late by the time he finds me.

Friday 13th

2009-02-14T13:02:00.011Z

Covered in sand, a sore head, make up everywhere, puffy eyes and bruised knuckles. I guess it's just another normal night out for Selena.

Why the fuck do I feel this bad? We were only together a short time yet I haven't been this bad since my ex fiance and we were together 3yrs! I don't know how to make the pain stop. My heart is so so broken. And he was so fucking horrible to me last night so why would I want someone like that? Someone who obviously doesn't care.

It's started again. The tears. I don't know how to stop them either? I feel so on edge I don't even know what I'm breathing for.......

Not Great

2009-02-13T17:08:00.006Z

Not feeling to grand today. Still waiting for an appoinment to see the counsellor. Picked my meds up though so that's a plus. Valentines Day tomorrow is just gonna be tedious.... hmmm
Work is gonna be long and very boring with too much time to think. I try to avoid thinking at all costs! Gonna scream.

New Frickin' Hair

2009-02-10T17:13:00.004Z

God I look sexy......! :P

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Now playing: Peter Bjorn And John - Roll The Credits
via FoxyTunes

What A Difference

2009-02-09T15:22:00.004Z

A few days can make.

Fri= Miserable and pretty low
Mon= Happier and content

So yes I've met someone and we're going steady (american term for dating)
He's RAAAAAH.

I always worry that whenever a relationship ends I'll never find anyone else (because I thought they were happy with me) and I'll be lonely forever but let's face it, that's total horse shite lol
The fact is that I get plenty of attention although not all of it wanted attention hehe Ya pervs!!!!
But it's all good. Covered some basic ground like finding out what we both wanted long term and turns out we want the same things so BONUS!
I still have feelings for my ex and would be naive of me to think they'll just disappear so soon but sod it, we're not getting back together so I'm moving on.

Note to self: Always be VERY clear when explaining what you want outta life, get's you further than you think :) Must learn to not look back too much either...

Oooh I got new hair too, whoop whoop

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Now playing: Fall Out Boy - She's My Winona
via FoxyTunes

Made An Appointment

2009-02-06T16:31:00.002Z

Went to book an appointment at the doctors to see a counsellor. Bit shocked to hear that the 1st available appointment would be the 12th March. The receptionist asked if that was OK and begrudgingly I bit my lip and nodded. She then asked if I was sure as she could clearly see the distress in my expression. 'You need to see someone soon don't you?' she said. 'Please' I replied then she wondered off to grab a pen and paper. 'Write down your name, age and telephone number and I'll see what I can do' So I did and handed back the piece of paper. She then goes to the phone and after about 30seconds, she returns, 'come round' she said, so I make my way to the reception door. She opens it then leads me to the phone. 'The lady you'll be speaking to is called Kate'

The next few minutes seemed to last forever and I've never felt so uncomfortable in all my life.

She asks in a soothing and soft toned voice what's wrong. I stutter, trying to find the words. 'Erm well I've got alot going on at the moment. I'm a self harmer and I can't cope'
She then goes on to ask some more questions i.e. Am I sleeping properly, what's my appetite like etc I also explain that I've not been taking my meds.

By this point my eyes are welling up as I stare aimlessly out of the surgery window hoping and praying that I don't break down 'Don't cry' is all I can think of. 'OK, well all the support workers are in on Monday and we can sit and have a chat about it then. I'll take your details. Are you going to be alright over the weekend' she says to which I replied 'I should be, I'll be working' But she then says 'Where are you living, is there anyone suppor....' I cut her off as I know where this is heading. 'I live at home with my mum and she's part of the problem' I felt the trickle down my face, I tried so so hard to not cry but saying those words just made me want to burst into tears.
So anyway, I'll be waiting on a phone call Monday, just hope I survive the weekend. Will also be picking up my prescription too. This is good right? Positive? So why am I not convinced?

Work tonight and tomorrow is gonna be murder........

Rollercoaster Of Life

2009-02-06T00:49:00.003Z

I can't keep doing this. I don't wanna be here. As in I don't wanna live anymore. I don't wanna go through the motions anymore. Always pretending to be fucking happy and smiley. Somethings gotta give and that something is me!

Am I strong enough to do it, I guess only time will tell.....

I just wanna stop fucking crying like a cunt. I wanna be 'normal'

It's that or nothing

I Really Cannot Stress The Relevance Of This Song

2009-02-05T02:57:00.003Z

It's been so long
That I haven't seen your face
I'm tryna be strong
But the strength I have is washing away

It wont be long
Before I get you by my side
And just hold you, tease you, squeeze you
Tell you what's been on my mind

I wanna make up right now, na na
I wanna make up right now, na na
Wish we never broke up right now, na na
We need to link up right now, na na

I wanna make up right now, na na
I wanna make up right now, na na
Wish we never broke up right now, na na
We need to link up right now, na na

Girl I know mistakes were made between us two
And we show our eyes that night
Even said somethings weren't true
Why'd you go and haven't seen my girl since then
Why can't it be the way it was?
Cos you were my homie, lover and friend

I wanna make up right now, na na
I wanna make up right now, na na
Wish we never broke up right now, na na
We need to link up right now, na na

I wanna make up right now, na na
I wanna make up right now, na na
Wish we never broke up right now, na na
We need to link up right now, na na

I can't lie
I miss you much
Watching everyday that goes by
I miss you much
Until I get you back I'm gonna try
Yes I miss you much
You are the apple of my eye
Girl I miss you much

I miss you much
I can't lie
I miss you much
Watching everyday that goes by
I miss you much
Until I get you back I'm gonna try
Yes I miss you much
You are the apple of my eye
Girl I miss you much
I miss you much

I wanna make up right now, na na
I wanna make up right now, na na
Wish we never broke up right now, na na
We need to link up right now, na na

I wanna make up right now, na na
I wanna make up right now, na na
Wish we never broke up right now, na na
We need to link up right now, na na

I want you to fly with me
Want you to fly
I miss how you lie with me
Miss how you lie
Just wish you could dine with me
Wish you could dine
One that would grind with me
One that would grind with me

I want you to fly with me
Want you to fly
I miss how you lie with me
Miss how you lie
Just wish you could dine with me
Wish you could dine
One that would grind with me
One that would grind

I wanna make up right now, na na
I wanna make up right now, na na
Wish we never broke up right now, na na
We need to link up right now, na na

I wanna make up right now, na na
I wanna make up right now, na na
Wish we never broke up right now, na na
We need to link up right now, na na

Need To Express

2009-02-04T23:49:00.005Z

I don't wanna lose you
I never wanna leave you
But you don't need me
I'll bring you down

You think you know best
You think you know me
But I know I love you
Why can't you see

I'm hurting like hell inside
I'm not able to funtion properly
I need you to know I'm sorry
Those words weren't so true

I'm on self destruct
I'm crying by myself
I can't do this without you
Just hold my hand

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Now playing: Nirvana - You Know You're Right (previously unreleased)
via FoxyTunes

Tomorrow

2009-02-04T22:26:00.004Z

I'm contacting the counselling services A.S.A.P

I've not felt suicidal in months but the build up of recent events just makes me wonder what's the point of living. If I make people feel that bad that they want to hurt themselves then I really have no place on this earth.......

Just wanna fucking cry but the tears won't come out, what's wrong with me? :(

This Is My Sanctuary

2009-02-04T21:02:00.003Z

I don't ask you or encourage you to read my blogs. It's the only place I can express myself fully and if that's a crime then so will it ever be. IF YOU DONT' LIKE IT THEN FUCK OFF, SIMPLE!!

Why I'm in such a rage;

I''ve been called a slag by some bint that I've never even spoken too
I've been threatened
I've been told to 'grow up'
I've been called 'vindictive' & 'spitefull'
I've been compared to a cunt of an ex
I've been blamed for someone else's self harm

Every little things I've said, you've twisted in everyway possible.
You've destroyed me and torn me apart til there's nothing more to say. How could you do this to me? You can't even see what you've done wrong. STOP BLAMING ME 'COS UR TOO FUCKED IN THE HEAD.

I never blamed you, until now.

You're no use to urself let alone anyone else and certainly not me

I hate you right now, HATE YOU

You don't know me because you never gave me a chance.

And now you'll never really no me and nor will anyone else

Who the fuck do you think you are treating me like this??

This is the last time!

I was half tempted to post all the emails on here so everyone could judge for themselves and see who's really in the wrong. Don't worry I won't!

I stood by you even when accusations were being made but you've made me feel like a mug!

And stop banging on about my ex's. I get on with them because they never treated me like you did!

ALL YOU'VE DONE IS INSULT ME AND LAID INTO ME, you're a nasty bit of work and I'm glad we're not together, doubt you'd stay faithful any way from what I've heard!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCKING HATE MY LIFE AND THE MEN IN IT, GO TO HELL.

LOOK AT THE SORT OF PERSON YOU'VE TURNED ME INTO, HOPE UR ALL VERY HAPPY!!!

Not Sure

2009-02-04T01:17:00.004Z

If this was the right thing to do as I don't know how I'll deal with the consequences but here goes...

This is why you SHOULDN'T self harm:

And I'm so so sorry to everyone I lied to, I just couldn't help myself.

I feel sick when I look at these and I hope to god it's enough to stop me doing it over and over again...

That was about 2wks ago and I'm ashamed to say I've done it again since.

I'm in a dark place I know

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Now playing: Franz Ferdinand - Katherine Kiss Me
via FoxyTunes

More, Aaargh!!

2009-02-04T01:11:00.003Z

I don't actually play it I just like to take photo's of it :P

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Now playing: Franz Ferdinand - Lucid Dreams
via FoxyTunes

A Little Medley

2009-02-04T01:04:00.001Z

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Now playing: White Lies - E.S.T.
via FoxyTunes

Awwww Bless

2009-02-03T22:59:00.003Z

So these are some of the many things that'll be keeping my mind occupied for some time

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Now playing: Linkin Park - Crawling
via FoxyTunes

Enough Is Enough

2009-02-03T20:10:00.002Z

I'm not taking this crap anymore. I'm not a child. I don't need my decisions being made for me.

Same Old Story, Same Old Song

2009-01-30T11:30:00.003Z

And we all know how this one goes.....

Yet again I've let myself get involved with someone who can't give me what I want. I really didn't realize the common problem amoungst young men of today, commitment.

I almost feel guilty for wanting non-materialistic things like a husband, kids, nice home and car (which by the way I don't want tomorrow). I also think it is too much to ask for so next time I'll be sure to ask for expensive gifts and a care free life style.

I often wonder why I crave such things and here's my conclusion;
I had a shit upbringing to be honest and having a family of my own is my way of proving that a family is all about love, trust, honesty...

I'm 25 soon and grew up far too quickly but I wasn't a teen mum. Wanted to do things properly but I'm starting to feel like Bridget fuckin' Jones! So this brings me to my first question. At what age do you think it's appropriate to start feeling a little pissed off with the world and lack of sharing that same sense of wanting a family with someone you love?

I once came soo soo close and I'm just thinking, when's it my turn?
I'm gonna do it again. Beat myself up over 'The One That Got Away'
Engaged, stable home, plans of kids and even a wedding dress (that was gorgeous by the way)
I feel like time is melting away and I keep starting all over again.

I need to re-think my priorities

I do however want to thank Ed and Bee for their continued support. I know you're always here for me and I trust you both implicitly

'Engaged, stable home, plans of kids and even a wedding dress (that was gorgeous by the way)'

Now I know that was about you Ed but don't worry it's not an issue for me as you should know lol

In short- I'M A TWAT

Must Be 'Cos I'm Tired

2009-01-29T01:25:00.002Z

I'm feeling real frustrated at the moment for several reasons. I've been looking for some inspiration for my new tattoo. I kinda got an idea what I want but can't find an image of a guitar that I actually like... Raaaaahh! So the plan is to have a guitar tattooed on my back full length from neck to bum, ouch! Somewhere behind that I want the notes on a keyboard, some stars, an anarchy symbol and a two row of checkers. I'm also craving piercings in odd places.

OK so back to the subject in hand...
I've been trying to comprise and design 3 new drinks menu's for Lily's but it's proving difficult trying to remember all the drinks we stock and not choosing cocktails or shooters with inappropriate names such as 'Rotten Pussy' 'Bird Shit' or 'Puerto Rican Monkey Fuck'- I just don't think that's the image we're going for.

I can't figure out the best way to learn how to play the guitar either. I mean it seems pointless spending money on a DVD or tutorial books when I have the whole Interweb at my disposal but it's awkward because my PC lives at my dad's and I live elsewhere, meh :(
Although, I did buy a tuner and 3 plectrums today hehe

I love/hate buying for other people. Birthdays, Christmas', Valentines Day ;)
I always want to buy EVERYTHING IN SIGHT but never have enough money to do it. This just makes me sad :((

I also don't seem to be doing much other than sitting on my PC most days. Plus it's like too cold to venture far. And not seeing my boy, sorry, man hehe MISS YOU more n more... pfft!!
Guess it's just one of those things. Although I'm experiencing Deja Vu. It would be much easier if I wasn't living at that damn hotel, for more reasons than one.

Facebook is ruining my life. I just can't get anything done. Fooking FB!!!

P.S. Join my clan/coven on Vampiric Lineages, many thanks :P

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Now playing: White Lies - Farewell To The Fairground
via FoxyTunes

My New Toy

2009-01-27T20:01:00.003Z

Ok so I'd been thinking about it for a while now and finally got off me backside and brought one..........

Oooh baby. My progress to follow although it may take a while lol

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Now playing: The Verve - I See Houses
via FoxyTunes

Sexy Leggings

2009-01-25T19:59:00.001Z

I love these soooooooooooooooo much...

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Now playing: Nelly Furtado - Promiscuous
via FoxyTunes

Massey's Bday

2009-01-25T19:34:00.002Z

Slightly Scary

Joel as Medusa

The "new me" & Joel

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Now playing: Aaliyah - At Your Best
via FoxyTunes

It's Slowly Getting To Me

2009-01-20T18:45:00.002Z

I'm starting to feel more and more argry, day by day and it's not good. I'm trying to control it but all I really want to do is confront the bitch, I want to know why? I'm really starting to resent the fact that she is the reason for my well being and state of mind. She is the reason for my self doubt and SHE is the reason I've cut myself, been suicidal and generally been a messed up individual. If I stay much longer I'm going to end up doing or saying something I may regret.

All of this could of been prevented, ALL OF IT! I didn't have to go through this had she stepped up to the plate and done what she was supposed to. And now even though I'm controlling my anger, I want some sort of justice. There's no love, just emptyness. And the more I argue, the more I want out. I need to get out of there before....

I don't know what to do :'(

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Now playing: TQ - Westside
via FoxyTunes

Audtions Today Pt 2

2009-01-20T17:46:00.004Z

Well I'm not entirely sure how it went tbh...

Now when I enquired about the job yesterday with Jobseekers Direct the lady on the phone told me that auditions were being held at N.C.F.C between the hours of 10am-12pm and 1pm-4pm (I even wrote the details down as she was giving them to me) but when I got there for around 2pm (after getting a wee bit lost) the lovely yet extremely camp "receptionist" politely informed me that auditions had come to an end and all auditionees should have arrived by 10am prompt...Fuuuuuuuuuuuck!

I then went on to explain my lateness and he scurried off to see if they could still give me an audition. Thankfully he returned with the good news. 'Take a seat and someone will be out to see you shortly' he said. Oh how wonderful I thought. So he takes my name and hands me a sticker with numbers on it.

There I am having a lil chit chat with my mate Ellese when he comes over again and points me in the direction of a burly woman and a scrawny man and tells me they're ready to see me. As I make my way over they apologize as there is now no P.A. system for me to sing into. Relieved that my bellowing voice will not be projected in to every corner of this very small function room, I introduce myself and once again explain my reason for being unfashionably late.

They ask me what music I liked so I told them 'allsorts' and then continued to tell them 'I grew up listening black influenced music but for the past 4/5 years I've become more of a rock chick.' They then ask me to sing a few bars of a couple of songs.

'My first choice is Black Velvet' So I belt out the first verse and chorus... only slightly off key due to my nerves and me shaking like a leaf. 'And my second choice is going to be Walking In Memphis' Once again I sing the first verse and chorus. The next few minutes were a total blur tbh They thanked me and I dashed off to sit with Ellese.

The "receptionist" then calls me over to fill in an application form which I take back to my seat to fill in. Before I'd even finished filling it in I then get called for a brief interview with a very polite and nice young lady. 'Take a seat Selena' she says. I then sit and she proceeds to ask me a few basic questions. My height? Am I asthmatic? Why do I want to work for the company? How far am I willing to travel? Then it hits me, last year I wouldn't of even cared where they wanted to place me so long as it wasn't in Yarmouth but this year I don't want to leave. I have my reasons and they're all good.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, all I've ever wanted is to move out of this shithole but I have different priorities now. Ones that make me sit back and look at different options. Ones that also make me wonder, is it really such a bad place? I mean there are certainly worse places to live! I'm not going to lie and say my opinion has changed of the place but I'm just not sure it's as bad as I or anyone else make it out to be............. Of course my opinion may well change in the next few months lol

Oh and Haven will contact me hopefully within the next 7days but tbh judging by the stuck up, snooty gits that obviously think they're above everyone else who auditioned, I couldn't give a monkeys either way!!

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Now playing: Kings of Leon - Red Morning Light
via FoxyTunes

Audtions Today

2009-01-20T01:10:00.002Z

Well sometime between the hours of 13:00 and 16:00 I will be auditioning for Haven Holiday Parks along with hundreds of other hopefulls.

Nervous? I'm actually going to pee myself and god knows how I'll get to sleep tonight...

My song choices are:

Black Velvet- Alannah Miles
Warwick Avenue- Duffy
Hero- Mariah Carey/X Factor Finalists

Wish me luck, I'm gonna need it!!

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Now playing: The Kooks - Time Awaits
via FoxyTunes

More Grown Up Stuff

2009-01-19T00:25:00.001Z

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Now playing: Shayne Ward - Breathless
via FoxyTunes

Mature Adults Staying In On A Saturday Night

2009-01-18T21:49:00.001Z

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Now playing: Amy Winehouse - Love Is A Losing Game
via FoxyTunes

Other Things That Make Me Chuckle...

2009-01-17T16:17:00.005Z

Bite Marks

Scratch marks that last forever (well just the one!)

My pink toenails

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Now playing: Kelly Rowland - Daylight (feat. Gym Class Heroes)
via FoxyTunes

Fan-dabby-dosey

2009-01-15T13:04:00.003Z

What a difference a few days can make.
Sunday I thought my world was collapsing around me yet come Thursday (today) I'm on top of the world. I have say I do really love this calming effect that my boyfriend has over me. When I'm with him I just feel so so comfortable and happy. It's great. It's not a smothering relationship. We both do our own thing. I trust him 110% and I just want him to know this, I think you're FAB hehe

So apart from having the MOST gorgeous bf ever, I've also got my job back at Lily's and we all know how much I love it there. Got a few things lined up. Thinking about applying for Ents jobs at the local holiday parks as I really want to get back into singing. Determined to get things back on track and 2009 my best yet...

Now Aaron if you're reading this, I hope your not too embarressed ;)

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Now playing: Kings of Leon - California Waiting
via FoxyTunes

See...

2009-01-14T13:32:00.000Z

...No make-up

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Now playing: Bobby Brown - Two Can Play That Game [K Klassic Mix]
via FoxyTunes

Man In A Skirt!!

2009-01-13T16:09:00.000Z

......LMAO

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Now playing: Mystery Jets - First To Know
via FoxyTunes

Trying To Fake It

2009-01-12T13:42:00.002Z

I shed a few tears sometime after the initial shock set in... then blocked it out but it's creeping up on me slowly. I can feel it and today is going to be so so hard. I don't want to say 'I'm devasted' or 'hurt' or 'angry' or 'emotional' or 'close to a mental breakdown' because if I let myself think those things then that's how I'll end up and I know it'll be a prolonged feeling. It won't last just a day or two. It'll last weeks, months even and I'm not prepared to go through that right now. I need to block it out. I need to get out of this place. I can't be around certain people. I want to ask questions but I know all I'll get is lies. Don't want to drag up the past but I need to know the truth. I think I need some help.................

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Now playing: The Raconteurs - The Switch and the Spur
via FoxyTunes

I've Just Realised...

2009-01-09T16:57:00.002Z

...I'm wearing less and less make-up on a daily basis. Gone are the days when I wouldn't even leave the house without a full face of cosmetic badness. Maybe I'm more confident? I don't feel it though... or maybe I'm less caring of how other men see me when I one of my own lol I dunno?!

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Now playing: The Ting Tings - Shut Up and Let Me Go
via FoxyTunes

All I want

2009-01-09T13:59:00.003Z

In life is to be tied up and .......

Well, they say that a woman hits her sexual peak in her thirties. This to me is slightly worrying at the age of 24 lol I'm definitely worse than most men for thinking about it hahahahahaha

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Now playing: James Morrison - Under The Influence
via FoxyTunes

It's An Uphill Struggle

2009-01-07T21:23:00.002Z

But I'm gonna keep pushing on because I'm not letting this year be a total waste like last year. I'm trying my hardest but it's oviously not enough is it?? Where am I going so wrong?? So many negative vibes around me just makes me wanna cry :'( I don't know how the hell I thought I could help others when I can't even help myself........ I'll just give up shall I? Be alot fucking easier.

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Now playing: Andy C @ Westfest 2006
via FoxyTunes

This Is Where....

2009-01-05T18:30:00.003Z

...The magic happens, Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaron!!!!!!!!

(Get in ma bed bitch, LMAO)

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Now playing: The Automatic - Love In This Club
via FoxyTunes

Stu's 18th

2009-01-05T15:34:00.001Z

I likey this v.much

Fucking Rah!!!

2009-01-04T21:36:00.002Z

FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I swear if it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no fucking luck at all. So got my new contract phone for like £35 p/m and not long after, had problems at work and now got no income to pay for the bloody thing. Smashed the internal screen and it's been cut off so doesn't even work anyway!! So gotta find £35 plus last months £35 plus £30 to get it repaired.... WTF?! £100 for a phone i can't even use, nice! Then put my old one on eBay but went and lost it after the bid had ended and the bloke had paid for it! So I've either gotta pay £30 on my insurance to get a replacement sent to this guy or refund the £60 (which I haven't got) before he sues my arse! But I'm skint.... Rent was due Monday also...

I'm ready to snap!

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Now playing: Jamie T - Salvador
via FoxyTunes

Full Length

2009-01-04T19:43:00.002Z

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Now playing: The Kooks - Ooh La
via FoxyTunes

Ooooooh Errrrrrr Mrs

2009-01-02T20:01:00.004Z

So a few things to write about...

Firstly, I would like say that I am in fact going to be a bigger person and state that whatever sh*t stirring people wanna bring to the table... BRING IT 'cos I'm so not interested. I'm very much happy and nothing is going to change my mind or opinions. If said rumours are true then so what?! I appreciate those of you who are concerned about me but trust me when I say, i'm a big girl who can look after herself. People can change and I believe in second chances!

Secondly, I spent my first NYE in about 11yrs IN DOORS!! And it was lovely. Strange but lovely all thanks to some great company...mwah ;)

Thirdly, I was gonna do that whole NY's Resolution thing but thought 'Sod it, just take each day as it comes'

Forthly, my attempts at designing websites are just useless purely because I don't have the attention span... damn iTunes/Facebook/MSN and so on...

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Now playing: Kings of Leon - 17
via FoxyTunes

Erm Happy New Year

2008-12-31T23:19:00.002Z

So thought i'd be all sweetness and light by saying a big fat Happy New Year although i do have one very small gripe, BFQOTY............... NO BRAND & NO FIELDING?? Boo hoo

Xmas Prezzie

2008-12-26T19:27:00.004Z

Daddy bought me my second favourite gift for xmas, a lovely little 7Mega Pixel cam so you can expect plenty of pics to come hehe

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Now playing: The Script - Rusty Halo
via FoxyTunes

Hmmmm

2008-12-25T21:09:00.006Z

So it started last week. Out on the town with the girlies, drinking and dancing, all the usual shizzle. Then randomly meet you.... yes YOU

I feel like some dumbass teenager

Damn you, damn you to hell!! :P

But check how drunk i am!

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Now playing: David Gray - Say Hello, Wave Goodbye
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Miserable

2008-12-24T08:28:00.002Z

It's strange... for someone who usually hates this time of year, i feel UNBELIEVABLY happy!!! Without giving too much away, i just can't stop smiling. Who gives a damn about expensive presents. This kinda gift just can't be bought :)))))))))

Santa Baby

2008-12-19T18:36:00.000Z

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Now playing: Alphabeat - 10,000 Nights
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Anyone Else But You

2008-12-17T21:19:00.000Z

The Moldy Peaches Lyrics
Anyone Else But You Lyrics

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Now playing: The Moldy Peaches - Anyone Else But You
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A Bloody Good Night In

2008-12-09T16:16:00.001Z

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Now playing: Mariah Carey Feat. Snoop Dogg - Say Somethin'
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Very Exposed

2008-11-24T23:55:00.004Z

Ok, well i NEVER leave the house without make-up. Far too self conscious and this may get deleted on a bad day.... but here you have it... world exclusive... me WITHOUT make-up. Although thanks are in order to that someone who tells me i'm beautiful without it, so thank you.

Mid - November Snow

2008-11-24T23:42:00.002Z

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Now playing: Amy Winehouse - Love Is A Losing Game
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Lily's Wine Bar

2008-11-24T23:25:00.002Z

I work here...

Wreckless Ironing

2008-11-19T18:32:00.000Z

Leads to burns

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Now playing: Mario - Let Me Love You
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A Quick Note To All You Men

2008-11-18T12:20:00.002Z

If you were to walk up to a lady in a bar and you told her she should suck your knob 'cos she'll enjoy it or you ask her to send you naked photo's of herself, you're most likely to get a SLAP. So please please do not feel the need to say such things to me over MSN or any other means of communication that wouldn't result in me bitch slapping you up side your head!! The answer is simple...... NO, SO FUCK OFF!!

And then i say 'Adios'

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Now playing: Razorlight - Before I Fall To Pieces
via FoxyTunes

Paint On My Happy Face

2008-11-18T12:08:00.002Z

And that's exactly what i've done today...

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Now playing: The Killers - All These Things That I've Done
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Today...

2008-11-16T18:42:00.004Z

...has been a great disappointment. I actually went to bed last night thinking that i would see things in a different light to yesterday and no joke, from the second i opened my eyes i felt like sh*t. I know i don't make things easier for myself by lying in bed all day but seriously, i don't know what else to do. I so want to feel "normal" with a "normal" life and a "normal" way of processing thoughts and feelings. I know all to well that the way i deal with my emotions and such is way beyond how the average human being would deal with it in the same situation but i don't know any differently. I can't just 'get on with things' It just takes real time... something that i don't have on my side at the moment. I'm due in for a staff meeting on Tuesday where I'll be introduced as the new Assistant Manager but i can't focus at all. I've got a hundred and one things to do next week that urgently require my undivided attention but all i really want is for the ground to open up and swallow me whole. In short, i feel awful and the only reason i actually bothered getting up today was to deliver some stuff to my dads otherwise i really wouldn't have bothered.

Things just don't look too rosie in Camp Selena.

All i need is a hug, to not feel so so alone and someone to tell me everythings going to be OK, even if it's a beautiful lie, i don't care, lie to me.

And just to top it off I've got stomach pains again.... the same as last week.

Someone up there must really hate me!

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Now playing: Christina Aguilera - Beautiful
via FoxyTunes

A Real Long Vent (Or Blog)

2008-11-15T19:20:00.007Z

Well I've just spent 24 hours nearly, locked away form the outside world. Only leaving my bedroom for the occasional snack that leaves a sickly feeling in my stomach. The tears have been flowing (yet again) and my emotions have been playing havoc through every inch of me. Not interested in seeing anyone, can't be bothered to paint on my "happy face" This is something all to familiar and i don't know if i purposely make myself feel like this or if it's just something that happens naturally... no-one would choose to make them selves feel like this, right?
Not long finished reading a book that's jogged some childhood memories that I've spent years suppressing and for good reasons too! So if i thought i was feeling bad before, i feel even worse now. Although by writing I'm able to release my frustrations a little.
I've decided not to name the title of the book as to not encourage any questions that I'm not yet prepared to answer. So apart from reading and eating, I've done absolutely nothing other than lie in bed with my thoughts.

Last year i started a course of counselling. 1 hour per week, not alot really and although it was several weeks before i was coaxed into opening up, i feel it was really helping. Then after a few months, my councilor tells me she's being admitted into hospital and won't be available for at least 2 months. 2 MONTHS!! It was bad enough trying to make it through the 6 days in between appointments. She then advises me that a another councilor has been brought in as a stand in and i was more than welcome to contact him with regards to my ongoing counselling. I thought 'you're joking right' It was weeks before i let her in, even a little bit and now you want me to do it all over again with someone else? I guess that's kinda where the buck stops. I felt let down yet again by someone i trusted enough to tell some real intimate details to and they failed me but that really wasn't something new. To trust someone you have to open up to the possibilities that there maybe another way out, another way of thinking or doing things. The possibility that the world as you've come to know it isn't all doom and gloom and there's someone out there prepared to listen to the words that are coming out of your mouth without them thinking it's a fabricated story told by one very mixed up individual. I've only ever once gone into detail about who i am and why i do the things i do and I'll never forget that look of total heartache and shock. Knowing that the person who loves you more than anything in world will also have to take on board my memories. But one thing was clear and it sounds almost selfish but i felt like a weight had been lifted! All these dreaded memories dragged out by hours of thinking and that damn book.

I don't know how much detail i should go into on such a public site but this is also like having a weight being lifted. With know one around me who i trust enough to talk to about how I'm feeling, i guess this is the only way and the only reason I've dragged my butt out of bed. Knowing that i don't have to look at the almost blank expressions on my friends faces as they struggle to find words of comfort is in itself reassuring to me. I won't even tell my own mother how I'm feeling anymore, mainly because she's made it blatantly obvious that she really does care. Different friends know different sections of my life. I let them know as much or as little as i choose but none of them know the real me. Most see this slightly scatty, mixed up yet fun lovin' gal that's always up for a laugh. Now I'm not suggesting that isn't the real me, it's just all of the REAL me.
I also feel comforted in writing this. I'm able to look back and analyze what really sets off these bouts of depression/manic behaviour.

This year seems to be by far the worst for regularity of these darker times. I don't even know why either. Nothing real traumatic has happened. I think it's just a series of events that's brought it home all to often this year. I'm not going to point the finger or place blame on anyone or any one thing but it certainly hasn't been easy. I feel i should really concentrate on one aspect of my my life whilst writing this but since my head is all over the place, i can't.

I've noticed how much easier it is for me to say how I'm feeling through expressing myself like this as usually i can't think about how to word things appropriately. This is why I'm terrible at arguing because the words don't come out right and i end up getting frustrated 'cos I'm not making sense and in turn frustrating the other person which then leads to me saying something I'll later regret because I've been pushed into a corner. I don't think it's the talking i have troubles with, it's the way i go about it, wording it.

I'm so guarded that i make jokes about the bad things in my life. It just comes naturally. I can't help it. As soon as i see that look, the one that screams 'oh you poor thing' then BANG - in with a joke. I just can't seem to trust anyone anymore. Well not enough to let them in completely. I let someone in once before, almost completely with promises they'd always be here for me but it wasn't to be. It's not because i haven't wanted to tell anyone, it's just because i haven't found anyone i can trust. Trust not to judge me, trust enough to try and really understand why i am who i am.................

Even though I'm sat at my dads i kinda feel outta my comfort zone. I want to speak out. I want to go and visit friends but right now all i can really do is go back home to my nice safe bedroom and think some more until i wake and hopefully things will look brighter in the morning.

My main feeling - Loneliness

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Now playing: Kanye West - Love Lockdown
via FoxyTunes

Me & The Bro

2008-11-13T11:22:00.002Z

And a few minutes later the guy next door comes round to complain about the noise and how he's got a baby sleeping rah rah rah lol

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Now playing: David Gray - This Years Love
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Culinary Skills

2008-11-12T11:55:00.002Z

Preparation for my chicken casserole yum yum !!

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Now playing: Oasis - Bag It Up
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Why Oh Why??

2008-11-10T10:59:00.001Z

.....................ROTFL!!

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Now playing: Oasis - Slide Away
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Me

2008-11-09T11:11:00.000Z

Nothing grand....

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Now playing: The Killers - Smile Like You Mean It
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Toilet Humour Or...

2008-11-09T10:46:00.000Z

...Home entertainments system??

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Now playing: Oasis - Supersonic
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Beowolf Ed - Because He Can

2008-11-07T18:06:00.004Z

I don't half know how to pick 'em hehe

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Now playing: The Verve - Bitter Sweet Symphony
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Learn Chinese In 5 Minutes

2008-11-07T16:18:00.017Z

(MUST READ OUT LOUD)

That's not right.......................................... Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive.......................... Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP..................................................... Kum Hia

Stupid man....................................................... Dum Fuk

Small horse.................................................... Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach.................................. Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped the coffee table........................ Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni

I think you need a facelift.................................. Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here........................................ Wai So Dim

I thought you were on a diet......................... Wai Yu Mun Chin

This is a tow away zone.................................... No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week.............. Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight........................................... Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile.............................. Wa Shing Ka

Your body odour is offensive............................... Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great.......................................................... Fa Kin Su Pah

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Now playing: My Chemical Romance - The Ghost Of You
via FoxyTunes

Why I HATE Public Transport So Frickin' Much

2008-11-06T17:37:00.003Z

Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar is what i'm feeling right now.

Firstly, i miss 2 buses heading into town because they decided to turn up when they felt like it and THEN (and this is the best bit) as i go to catch the bus to go home, after grabbing a much needed McDonalds, the fat, ugly woman warns me that fast food is not permitted on buses and i'll know for next time!!! What? Since bloody when? I've never been told off for having food (that was still in it's bag) on the bus! She honestly made me feel about 12, silly bint. All i could say was "oh i didn't realize"

So, embaressed after being treated like a child, i calmly sit down. As the bus begins to depart, i scour around for some sort of sign stating that what she claimed was true.... nothing is what i saw, absolutely nothing. Feeling slightly annoyed that it wasn't made clear i then notice the passenger stood talking to her and the SIGN above her head that clearly reads "Can passengers please refrain form talking to the bus driver whilst the bus is in motion" (or something to that effect!!) Bloody cheek! I'm sure that pulling up a 24 yr olds food faux is less important than the safety of the passengers? And just to add insult to injury, after pressing the button for my stop, she misses it because she was too distracted!!! So i shal now be writing a complaint to First Bus Travel.......... rant over

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Now playing: The Prodigy - No Good
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A Random Friday Night Out

2008-10-25T18:22:00.000+01:00

Was good to catch up with some friends I hadn't seen for a while. A good night had by all...

well until i realized i'd given my keys to Jake and thus locking myself out my house. Left on the doorstep, cold, shivering, drunk and tired. Think i even shed a tear lol Poor Jake couldn't stop apologizing. Too damn right, the man sleeps like a log! lol

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Now playing: Pat Benatar - Love Is A Battlefield
via FoxyTunes

Jakey Jakey Jakey Jake

2008-10-25T18:07:00.000+01:00

This is Jake:

He is a little legend and for these reasons -

He likes to drink beer
He is father to our pet furry banana, Bazza
He comes from a much nicer part of the world than me, Essex
He likes Yarmouth (Don't know why!!)
He likes to eat steaks/indian/chinese & pizza
He plays the guitar
He appreciates good music
He laughs at my terrible jokes
His jokes are becoming far worse than mine
He looks Italian yet has no foreign blood in him (Or so he reckons)

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Now playing: Hoobastank - Never There
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Your Worst Nightmare...

2008-10-16T18:32:00.000+01:00

Lot's of meeeee!

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Now playing: Adam F - Brand New Funk
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