All Under One Roof

I only really write when I'm feeling shit because it's like therapy for me. So low and behold... I'm not feeling so fine and dandy. Just fucked off I guess. I don't like feeling emotional. I wish I were some kind of robot tbh. Wouldn't it be good if something nice happened for a change. I won't hold my breath. I need a release and we all know how well that usually ends but tonight I'm gonna refrain. Purely on the fact that my last cuts haven't healed properly and one inparticular looks really visible and red. So instead I choose Oasis, MSN & Facebook in the vain hope that it'll deter me long enough to do anything.....

.....I just want to cry



----------------
Now playing: Oasis - Don't Look Back In Anger
via FoxyTunes

Well it's been a good week me thinks. I worked Friday & Saturday doing crowd control in Cannock for the Forest Tours where I got to see Paul Weller & Sugababes :) Then Sunday I worked in Chelmsford for the Twenty20 cricket *yawn* lol




I then received my interview letter from GY college asking me to go in for an assesment on the 16th. Hopefully I'll pass and then I can start college in September. It's an Access to Social Work course.... Very exciting.

I've also applied TWICE for a seasonal job abroad in Kos, Greece. Would be awesome so hoping to hear from them very soon :)



Plus I should be getting some money Money as I've been so so poor :( Rahhhh :P




----------------
Now playing: Morrissey - The More You Ignore Me The Closer I Get
via FoxyTunes

Afew days can make.... I'm feeling so so much happier even though my situation hasn't really improved but I just don't care. I don't care ner ner ner ner nerrr

I've never in my whole life felt so alone as I do right now. I mean yeah I've felt pretty low and alone before but never as bad as this... So picture it; I'm alone in a house with no furniture except a futon, no food, no cigarettes or alcohol, miles from family and 'friends' with no money to go anywhere or do anything. How the hell would you feel? With no job and the fact that I've gotta be out of here by the end of week... I think I have every reason to feel exceptionally low right now. I haven't left the house. Where would I go? What would I do? Who can I talk to? People like saying 'if you need someone to talk to, you know where I am' as it makes them feel like a good person but to be honest they forget about me because I try and make out that things aren't as bad as reality. In reality I'm broken and almost envious of everyone who has a nice little life enjoying themselves with their mates. I'm dying for a proper meal. I actually think I now hate bread. I'm going crazy here. I really don't know where to turn. All these 'friends' I have yet I can't let myself go in front of them. I can't be me. I need a shoulder to cry on. How many people have actually ever seen me cry? I don't mean the stupid alcohol induced tears but the soul wrenching ones where you can barely breath... I feel like my head is being pulled in every direction. Spinning thoughts that make me feel sick inside. Tearing though my blood is a rapid adrenalin rush of what then leads to self loathing. I can't truly cry unless I'm drunk or listening to a really emotional song and it's killing me because I have no way of venting. I don't want to resort to my handy blade work but I also have no idea what else I can do. I'm a freak. I cut to bleed, to make sense of who I am and whether my life has a purpose. I'm positive it doesn't. No one knows who I am, not even me. I need help. I don't know what kind but this just isn't right. I never ask directly. I want to but the words just won't come out. Too much pride ironically. I just want someone to hold me and tell me they'll do everything they can to help me. I've tried doing it on my own but I just can't. Someone I trust implicitly with my life. Someone who I can share my inner thoughts with. Someone who knows what I'm going through and can fully appreciate the pain. I just can't relate to anyone who hasn't had similar experiences. I'm guarded as it is so I certainly wouldn't open up to the average Joe. I don't know if I'm pushing people away or they just get sick of me. Can you fathom what it feels like to wish you were dead virtually every waking hour of every day? It's not a good feeling, trust me. I'm sitting here about how undignified my current situation is right now. I feel like some sort of squatter. It's rather pitiful I must admit. Help.

I'm ready to admit defeat....... with all my thoughts it leads to the same conclusion. There's fuck all I can do to make it all stop. I'm emotional. Irrational. Sad. Lonely. Erratic. Morbid. Suicidal. Hurting. Self-destructive......... and yet again I've resorted to self harming.

I don't know how to ask for help or even if I want to. I want it all to end. To just disappear. To not worry anymore. To not have that total loss of self-control. To get rid of this build up pressure inside my mind. I WANT TO BE 'NORMAL'

I'm not naive to the way the world works. I know there are many people suffering so much more. There's no such thing as happy endings or an easy life but c'mon, this is ridculous. My life is ridculous. Just a waste of time and effort. I am living proof that there is NO God.... you wanna disagree then try me because I cannot believe someone who apparently is responsible for the whole of mankind, would actually be so cruel. Was he/she having a fucking laugh when I came into this world?

And to be quite honest I'm sick of myself trying to feed all this bullshit to everyone else such as 'if you want something bad enough you've just gotta go and get it' or 'good things come to those who wait' or 'only you can change things' OR my personal favourite 'things can only get better' - WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT. Who the hell am I kidding? Myself, that's who.

Most people will read this and think 'oh look at her, feeling all sorry for herself, she should just snap out of it........' Do want my opinion? FUCK OFF...... you don't have a clue what I'm feeling/thinking or going through and I'm sick of trying to justify myself to people who generally couldn't give a toss whether I was alive or not. I try and open up but how can no-one read the signs? My cry for help? And I'm not ashamed to say it either! I think the damage is done and there is no help for me. I have NOTHING to look forward to in my life.

The lack of love in my childhood, which is more than likely the reason I crave it so much else where now. No career with no prospect of ever owning my own home or even a car. No family, children to bear. No future. I have NO future so let's face it, what's the point? Don't feed me your crap that things will get better because after all these years.... burnt out. Worn to a stub and I can't handle this shit anymore.

There a few things that can raise a smile... perhaps being in the company of someone I consider to be truly wonderful, but that was to be short lived. Music isn't even having a positive effect on me at the moment as I can't refrain from listening to what I would say is generally very depressing stuff. Sunshine and the warm weather - totally wasted on me as I own far too many black clothes and most are more suited to colder climates as I can't show my arms or legs due to my scars. I look like some bloody freak, sweating away 'cos she's covered head to toe in clothing.

You want an analysis? I'm so fuckin' screwed in the head - this is one person that just cannot be fixed......................................................

You're pullling on me
Bringing me down
Making me want you
And I know I can't have you
It's getting worse
I know you'll never be mine
Not in the sense of how I want you




----------------
Now playing: Nirvana - All Apologies
via FoxyTunes

Yet I have to vent (or blog) as I'm soooo fucking frustrated with the world and myself... it's constant and I've had enough tbh. If it's not one thing it's another. Money, job, home, love life (well lack of all 4) is driving me to the brink of total dispair. I feel as though I want to scream or cry or shout or something. It keeps going round my head time and time again, What may seem trivial to some is just dominating my every thought. I want to be 'happy' - to feel anything other than this torment. I'm back on self-destruct and powerless to stop it from consuming me. Dragged down with worry and anguish. There's so much going on in my head and I can't truly find the words to describe how I'm really feeling but let's just say it's not good......

Sorry but I couldn't find the original music video - still awesome though
Also used in the film 'Hackers'
Beautiful....enjoy :)

This girl I know needs some shelter
She don't believe anyone can help her
She's doing so much harm, doing so much damage
But you don't want to get involved
You tell her she can manage
And you can't change the way she feels
But you could put your arms around her

I know you want to live yourself
But could you forgive yourself
If you left her just the way
You found her

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

You're a boy and i'm a girl
But you know you can lean on me
And I don't have no fear
I'll take on any man here
Who says that's not the way it should be

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

She's a girl and you're a boy
Sometimes you look so small, look so small
You've got a baby of your own
When your baby's grown, she'll be the one
To catch you when you fall

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

You're a girl and i'm a boy
You're a girl and i'm a boy
You're a girl and i'm a boy
You're a girl and i'm a boy

Sometimes you look so small, need some shelter
Just runnin' round and round, helter skelter
And I've leaned on you for years
Now you can lean on me
And that's more than love, that's the way
It should be
Now I can't change the way you think
But I can put my arms around you
That's just part of the deal
That's the way I feel
I put my arms around you

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

You're a boy and i'm a girl
You're a boy and i'm a girl
You're a boy and i'm a girl
You're a boy and i'm a girl

What a fab album of which I really can't get enough of. 40 qulity tunes from 1967 to present covered by some of todays most talented artists.

Favourite songs include:

• ‘Drinking in LA’ by Bran Van 3000 Covered by The Twang
• ‘No Diggity’ by Blackstreet Covered by Klaxons
• ‘Stillness In Time’ by Jamiroquai Covered by Calvin Harris
• ‘Crazy For You’ by Madonna Covered by Groove Armada feat. Alan Donohue
• Englishman In New York‘ by Sting Covered by Razorlight
• ‘Fast Car’ by Tracy Chapman Covered by Mutya Buena
• 'Flowers In The Rain' by The Move Covered by Kaiser Chiefs
• 'All Along The Watchtower' by Jimi Hendrix Experience
• 'Cupid' by Johnny Nash Covered by Amy Winehouse
• 'Betcha By Golly, Wow' by The Stylistics Covered by Sugababes
• ‘Band On The Run’ by Wings Covered by Foo Fighters
• ‘Sound & Vision’ by David Bowie Covered by Franz Ferdinand
• ‘Teenage Kicks’ by The Undertones Covered by The Raconteurs
• ‘Too Much Too Young’ by The Specials Covered by Kasabian
• ‘Come Back And Stay’ by Paul Young Covered by James Morrison
• ‘Careless Whisper’ by George Michael Covered by The Gossip
• ‘Don't Get Me Wrong’ by The Pretenders Covered by Lily Allen

____________________________________________________________________



Based on the novel by Stephenie Meyer, Twilight is the ultimate chick flick for vampire fanatics, thus why I absolutely LOVES it. Without going into too much detail as to not spoil it for the rest of you - it's the story of a vampire by the name of Edward Cullen, who falls deeply in love with new student, Bella Swan. Admittedly it isnt't a very stong story line but the cast are fantastic and it's beautifully shot. I'm a sucker for soppy love stories but shhhh - don't tell anyone ok?

Also eagerly awaiting the release of Twilight: New Moon - the second installment from the series. Unsure of the exact date of release but rumours have it that it'll be some time in November..... fingers crossed!

____________________________________________________________________


I'd never heard of him until watching Twilight and didn't even realise he played the character of Cedric Diggory in two of the Harry Potter films! Although already an attractive young man, he definitely looks even more gorgeous playing that of a vampire... I also think he's a quality actor (aged only 23) and british to boot so keep your eyes peeled folks. He's a star in the making.

____________________________________________________________________


Whilst I've always had a morbid fascination with these fanged beauties, recently they seem to occupy my thoughts for most of the day prompting me to dig out the blood-lust movies and scroll through vamp pics whilst scouring numerous vampiric websites and anything remotely to do with vamps!! In short - I think it's time to seek some professional help ;)
I just adore them. The teeth, the blood, the biting and even their weaknesses....... intrigued MUCH? I think so!

____________________________________________________________________





TBC...

• Lustrious acts
  
• Alcohol
• Facebook
• My mobile phone
• Eating junk
  
• Men
• Kisses
• Intimacy
• T'internet
• Vampires
  
• Music
• DVD's
  
• That look on your face when your just about to.....

Old Selena: Meet hot guy she really likes, perhaps get's intimate, forms unhealthy attactments to said guy then get's heart broken.....


New Selena: Meet hot guy she really likes, perhaps get's intimate, realizes she'll never be good enough for anyone, doesn't form any kind of emotional attachments and thinks that maybe single life is the way forward.




I don't know what's more soul destroying but at least I can iron out some of the flaws in my life. Keep them all at arms length but if they're worth it then make them fight for YOU - not the other way round. I'm done with all the chasing and wearing my heart on my sleeve. No-one likes rejection, not even me. It's amazing how much I can live in denial if needs be without ever really letting on how I truly feel. So here it is - even if I really like you and I think you'd make me happy...... the likelyhood is that I'll never tell you!

I'm feeling ever so tearfully emotional and I'm praying it's because I'm due on.
I'm really struggling again...... will things ever REALLY get any better? I'm such a twat though - I've stopped taking my meds because I couldn't be bothered to book an appointment and pick them up so I've only got myself to blame I know! It's getting more prominent though - that feeling I get when I want to cut into my bare flesh... I'm just a fuck up really

I'm covered head to toe in what looks like - flea bites!! WTF?? I'm guessing it's from the cats (although we've got rid of them now) and it's driving me crazy... constant itching is gross! They've biten me EVERYWHERE. I kid you not and I'm pissed off that I seem to be the only one who's suffering - not fair. I'm prone to such things because I have 'sweet blood'

You can guarentee if I'm on holiday in humid climates that I'll have THE BIGGEST mozzy bites. I've also got a cold :( On the bright side though I do however have a job - yay for me :)

OK firstly - Groom! If you're reading this then I'd just like to say 'fuck I've missed you'

So now I've got that outta the way I would also like to say how sick I am of my bloody allergies i.e. dust mites & pet hair. It's driving me crackers as well as not having a job so I'm stuck indoors with nothing but my stupid itchy throat, eyes and runny noses and sneezes lol This is so NOT attractive.

Looking forward to the house 'party' Friday though - good times :D

I'm quite content with being single!! I've met some great people in Norwich and look forward to meeting many more. I also like feeling in control of my emotions and am very aware of how I'm not going to being treated as opposed to just letting people walk all over me.... I'm so much more happier here in Norwich - this truly is a fresh start. Now all I need is a job and then things will be perfect :D

It was wicked. Had a fab evening on the Tuesday and I'm now going to be living in Norwich...

Life is bloody good wouldn't you agree?!

Today was my 1st counselling session in about two years.

How did it go? -I'm not entirely sure tbh I just covered loads of things loosely hoping to find some solice. I talked and talked and talked and still I held back and made jokes about myself. I'm completely incapable of opening up properly and this is getting quite annoying!
I'm really hoping next weeks session goes a little better....

Well Sunday I go to Bedford for a few days. I'll be catching up with friends and family woop woop. Tuesday evening I'll be meeting someone I've known on/off for around 3yrs. It's all VERY exciting.
Hopefully I'll get to lay some flowers for a friend too....

With customizing EVERYTHING...... Aaaaaaargh

Well I'm feeling good. Was a bit of a dodgy week but I'm ok and just looking forward to starting my counselling now. Got a busy week ahead of me, spending time with various friends and such so I'll be keeping my mind occupied... although I really could do with a drink lol


My PC is fixed and running like a dream :) I've got my o2 sim in another phone so I can take advantage of the free texts and hopefully I'll get to Bedford on Sunday and get my bro's Laptop fixed. Fingers crossed hey!!

Today I received a fantastic email from someone who doesn't really know me at all but boy did it cheer me. She made me realise that I'm not the only person to have fallen for those charms and beyond the charm is, well.... nothing. Nothing except hurt and pain and a general living nightmare.
Harsh? I don't think so. Truth, yes!

This I hope will be the very last mention of that person who messed with my head a little. I'm alot stronger than I thought and I can deal with things alot easier than before. Course, it could have something to do with the meds lmao

I shall be venturing into Norwich tonight to spend the evening with what I hope will be some fantastic company and enjoying some good grub, woop woop!!

To believe anything that comes from a mans mouth tbh

I feel OK. Not depressed yet not happy but definitely OK. And do you know what? That's a good thing because that means I'm getting better. It'll take a few weeks for my meds to fully kick in but I know it's for the best regardless of what anyone says. I just want to get my life back on track. I'm looking for a new job, out the area. Looking to move out aswell. I shall once again attempt to make things better with a more positive attitude. I don't need a man when I've got some of the greatest friends. And I don't need to dwell too much on the past when I've got a future... yes a future. Can't wait for my counselling to start either.


Things are............... OK!

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. Get a grip Selena and stop sulking. It's over, so what? You'll move on a find someone better and you know it's true so get up, get dressed and start living your life a little. After all, we only get one chance. So that's it. No more sulky, depressing posts about men. Love will find you when you least expect it and it's even more likely if you don't go looking for it.

Why am I having all these really mixed emotions and thoughts? I mean why do I have these strong feelings for someone who's done nothing but bring me heartache? Who openly admits that he can never make me happy and although I actually know this deep deep deep down inside, I still really want him!

You know what's weird though? I didn't even know how I felt till after we split. That's why I was originally fine but then reality kicked in and sent my mind into overdrive. I can honestly say I've never had that happen before as I've always known how I've felt at time about that person in my life.

So, this makes me wonder; Was I so determined to keep him at arms length that I actually succeeded in kidding myself that I didn't have strong feelings for him whilst we were together? If this is the case then I'm slightly worried that further more heartache will eventually lead to me shutting out everyone who tries to get close.

I've never been emotionally retarded in that sense. If anything, I've always been the opposite. Very open, very trusting, very affectionate and very loving but I worry that I'll let the actions of other people determine who I become. I don't want to change in that kinda way. I don't see anything wrong in trusting people enough to be open and affectionate with them.






Just looking back on relationships and thinking about it, up until after my ex fiance I never had issues with trust or similar. I've realised that pretty much every person I've dated or other has hurt me quite bad since my ex fiance. So why is this happening? Is this to make up for the lack of hurt previous... no that's silly! So maybe it's payback? Karma coming to kick me in the proverbial butt. I'm starting to believe more and more that because I was to blame for previous relationship break downs, that it's now my turn to feel some of the hurt that I had caused to others.

So where do I go from here? I don't want to continue becoming less trusting and more guarded or detached... think I need to re-evaluate the situation!

I really should of done this a long time ago but I need time out to find myself. I don't know who or what I am. All I know is that there is someone out there who'll do me right and look after me but I hope to god that it's not too late by the time he finds me.

Covered in sand, a sore head, make up everywhere, puffy eyes and bruised knuckles. I guess it's just another normal night out for Selena.

Why the fuck do I feel this bad? We were only together a short time yet I haven't been this bad since my ex fiance and we were together 3yrs! I don't know how to make the pain stop. My heart is so so broken. And he was so fucking horrible to me last night so why would I want someone like that? Someone who obviously doesn't care.

It's started again. The tears. I don't know how to stop them either? I feel so on edge I don't even know what I'm breathing for.......

Not feeling to grand today. Still waiting for an appoinment to see the counsellor. Picked my meds up though so that's a plus. Valentines Day tomorrow is just gonna be tedious.... hmmm
Work is gonna be long and very boring with too much time to think. I try to avoid thinking at all costs! Gonna scream.

God I look sexy......! :P



----------------
Now playing: Peter Bjorn And John - Roll The Credits
via FoxyTunes